Spotting

I don't know whats going on. I had a normal 4 day period 3/16-3/19. Then 5 days of brown spotting which is NOT normal for me. Then nothing. Then day before yesterday pink spotting, then yesterday light brown only when i whipped, then today dark brown and it's heaver. I don't get it. I've also had some period like cramping yesterday and Thursday when I was working out at the gym. None of this is normal for me, what gives? I was thinking maybe it's because I've been trying to work out more, I'm moving, maybe I'm stressed even though I don't feel it. I just don't get it! The only reason my brain is messed up is because I said something to my best friend of course she says if it were me I'd take a test but I don't wanna put that out there cause I want it to come true. That's a one in a million so thats crazy. But really what gives?!

I hate Facebook!

but I'm an addict!

Just when you thinking you've put infertility on the back burner and don't have to think about it at least for a week or two somebody goes and posts baby pictures or belly pictures or hey guess what were pregnant. Why can't I just walk away from Facebook?

Plus I don't think posting here the other day help. It just made me think about do I plan a life without kids and then again how to I plan a life without kids. Do you just play without them and if it happens you fit it in. That sounds horrible! Oh course I think about a baby almost daily, and how to save enough money. Can we afford IVF if we find a really good deal? I just wish I could shut the want off and not think about it. It would make life easier!

Tons to update

Im sorry I've been so bad about writing. So much has happened in the last couple weeks. I just haven't had time, or energy.

Like you all know we've been talking moving for awhile but hadn't decided where or if we were going to pull the trigger if you will and really leave Florida. The end of Feb was when we had to give notice to our apt and we'd been debating for the full week before as to what we were gonna do and DH being a man couldn't make up his mind and then the day rent was due he goes make sure you put in our notice. UMMM ok so were moving, yeah but I don't know where yet. Then the next day he tells me were moving to Oklahoma. Now we'd talked about it 100 times but never decided on it. Like a man once again I guess he just had to think about and mull it over for a few weeks to decide.

Keep in mind this was Feb 29th-Mar 2nd this all happened. After talking to my parents and DH and a lot of talking and back and forth we decided I'm going to fly out April 4th and stay with my parents for a month while I look for a job. Hopefully I'll find one easily. My goal is to find a job and get a house before DH gets there around May 2nd. This may not all work out and we may end up having to stay with my parents longer than we want to but I know everything will work out how it should.

I applied to school and I'm waiting to hear back. I should get in so I'm excited about that.

As you can see we are trying to focus on moving, new jobs and me going back to school rather than babies right now. I know it's going to take a lot of money, time and planning to have a family and I'm just not sure either of us are ready for that right now. Plus as much as we've talked about IVF vs donor sperm I just don't know if were really ready for either.

Why is this all so hard, I just want a baby, a nursery, a family. Oh well it'll happen!

I'll try to update as much as I can but the next few weeks are going to be super busy as I'm trying to get everything packed before I leave so DH can just work OT and clean once I'm gone.

Money Matters

Our tax return sucks!!!!!

After paying some extra bills, renewing my car tag it's all gone. I was hoping to have some extra to put toward IUI but no such luck. I really think we'll have to wait till April to do IUI with the extra cost of having to buy donor sperm. I just don't want our saving/checking account to much.

Plus I'm kinda hopping that by then DH will have a new job. His job now is going well but it's just not the job he or I want him to have. Plus he has no benefits. He's got a really good lead on a job and hopefully we'll get good news tomorrow. Please pray!!!!!!

Welcome

I can't believe it's that time of the month again.

I'll stay sorry now for my blog being so depressing.

Yesterday was my b-day and it was pretty rough. From another year with no baby to my lovely mother-in-law saying your not pregnant are you? Me:no, we are infertile thats not something you have to worry about. Her: oh thank God. People wonder why we don't tell her things. Yeah anyways I don't like my b-day. I feel much better today.

We're dealing with the whole baby thing. I think were going to move on with IUI soon but it's a slow go so well see. I just can't bring myself to call the doctor and ask what the next step is. I want a baby now so I don't know why I'm having such a hard time picking up the phone.

I wish the voices in my head would stop!!

Not real voices...lol. Just how women's heads can't stop thinking and wondering.

I just want to move forward. I want to have a baby already, i wanna be pregnant. It just sucks that it's so hard and it's going to cost so much. I kinda wanna be mad that it's so easy for everybody else but at the same time I'm grateful we have an answer and hopeful that we can get pregnant now. I just hope it works!

Then theres the whole DH needs a job things and I'm praying so hard. I hope that in a few months well look back at this and think it was all worth it. I hope that DH gets a good job and well move and have hopefully have infertility insurance and things will finally be easy. Does that ever happen??

Just please pray something amazing comes along. Love you guys, your comments and encouragement help so much!

Well

Yesterday after the whole sperm thing, DH told me he thinks he's been feeling weird because he thinks he might have had another seizure, he also noticed he'd bitten his tongue. That of course became my main concern more so than a baby. Although I have to admit I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just want a plan it makes me feel better. DH didn't want to talk at all yesterday because he felt yucky and needed to sleep. That was really hard.

I'm worried about DH mostly because he shouldn't be having seizures while on meds. Then he tells me he misses pills a lot...ugh men I swear. Plus he drives a car for a living and I can't think about him having a seizure while driving. I've been telling him for along time he needed a new job but I think he finally sees my point.

Our focus for now is to find DH a job! Were looking all over the country, mostly to get out of FL....I hope!

Once were moved or at least have a new job here well get back to the baby thing. We agreed to look into everything from adoption, foster care, IVF, sperm donor but we both already know were going to start with donor sperm, we have talked about it before, but if it makes DH feel better to look into everything I'll do whatever makes me happy, even if I just want to get back to trying.

Am I horrible for feeling like we've wasted four years and now this whole cycle since we didn't find out until cd2. I just want to start trying now! I know we need to worry about a job first but it's hard not to want a baby.