Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas all. I know this can be a very hard day for some. Christmas doesn't really bother me but I understand the feeling everybody else has, I have that feeling on my birthday, another day with no baby, blah blah blah. I have tried to put all the baby wants aside while we've been out of town. It's hard when everybody asks how the adoption or baby stuff is going. I've only thought a couple times maybe next time we come back to Fl it'll be with a baby. We'll see. I sure hope so. I passed all my classes I don't know if I ever posted that. I don't have much else, this trip is been pretty busy and not to many stories, at least good ones.

MAD!!!

I called DHS three days in a row to make sure they got the paperwork and they finally called back and said they never got it. WHAT!! Then I call the doctors office and they don't answer, he finally calls me back and said he faxed it three times after all my messages. Then I call dhs and they still don't have it. I'm so pissed!! He poor guy is being so nice and faxing it again and sending it to my office as well. To bad I'm not at the office, hopefully i'll get it so we can get approved. When is this going to end????

Moving along

The doctor called DH yesterday that he got the paperwork filled out and faxed over to DHS. I called and emailed DHS to make sure they got it but haven't heard back so I'm hoping they have it and have sent it back to the review board. Last time it took about 12 days to hear back from the review board so thats where were at now assuming they got the paperwork. Hopefully we'll know something by christmas. This balancing act of adoption, seeing the RE(which I don't till end of Jan, it's just thinking about seeing him), finals at school is a mind wreck. AF was a little early so I'm hopping it doesn't happen again next month or well have to wait till end if Feb for IUI, which I don't wanna do. I'm trying to try really hard to focus on school and finals and not day dream about babies. I feel like for once our dream are in reach. I've been having these crazy dreams that i'm pregnant, that i'm pregnant and get a baby from dhs, that we adopt then get pregnant. Crazy crazy stuff. I just want a baby. I don't know that I'll post again until finals are over but if I get word from dhs about approval I will update. Finals are over Friday and then I'll be free for a week then we are off to Fl to see DH mom. I can't wait to hit the beach as it's 80 degrees there and it's 20 something here. BRR

Frustrated

I talked to dhs and they won't approve us until they have the paperwork from the therapist DH saw after this DUI. Even though neither they nor I have been able to reach them. I asked what happens if we can't get in touch with them and she said she has to attempt to reach them several times and then it's up to the board if they'll approve us with out that. I'm so frustrated that its taking so long and that what they have isn't good enough. This happened 7 years ago and he's got his license for crying out lout. I wanna cry. She did say she hopes to get us approved by end of year. This is just hard. Partly why we went ahead and made the apt to meet with the new RE. I'm trying to keep my head up but it's hard. Hopefully only a few more days! At least I should have an answer before our apt with the RE.

Nothing

No word yet on the adoption. I just want to know. I hope they really let us know by tomorrow but I don't really trust them so we'll see. Sorry I've been such a bad blogger, nothing much going on here. My apt with the new RE isn't till end of Jan and with no word on the adoption I'm just sitting pretty. Fall semester is rapping up fast. Two more weeks. I can't wait!!! Hope your all doing well and that I'll have news soon.

Sent to Review

I got an email today that our adoption paperwork has been sent to the review board. We should have answer no later than 11/30. This has been such a rocky road and I'm so scared. You all know the problems we've faced and that DH background isn't perfect so we could still be denied so please say a little prayer for us.

New doctor

After lots of talk and back and forth we made an apt to talk to the doctor here about doing DS IUI. I think DH is still worried about money and isn't 100% on board but the good new is I can't get in to see him till Jan 30th so that gives us some time to save and DH to come around. I'm really excited! We are still trying to get approved for adoption but everyday we aren't I worry more and more we aren't going to be. We can't get that paperwork they want so I don't know what they're going to do. Either way I am happy not to have all my eggs in one basket. Any stories about donor sperm with IUI or just IUI working would make me feel so much better!!

Can't focus

on anything but babies, babies, babies. Not good when your going to school and have a few weeks left. I feel like my mind is in over drive thinking about babies. I just want to be a mom so badly. This is hard! I always try to stop and think what would we do if we had a baby tomorrow, I feel like we wouldn't be ready. Would I work, would I stay home, AHHHHHH lol. Still no word on the adoption. I feel like we are just at a stand still. I got a call from chris old doctor that they are mailing this paperwork about his head but still no word from the DUI counselor. I feel like we are never going to get approved. I don't know whats going to happen if we can't get that paperwork. Hubby and I have been talking more and more about doing IUI with donor sperm. I did find out that it is a tad cheaper here but DS is so expensive. $6150 for the vial and $200 for the shipping and thats just the the sperm itself. If you want extra info on the donor you have to pay for that to. I wish this wasn't so hard or expensive. I think I'm going to make the apt with the new doctor. At least see what he thinks and my new insurance should pay for the apt and first us and bloodwork, then we'll have to pay for the US and BW before the IUI and the IUI itself. Hubby is freaking out about money and isn't totally sold on it but I think I've made up my mind that this is what I want. This doesn't mean I'm not scared to death but I'm trying to push thru. I'm just scared it won't work. We barely have the money (not really but I'll figure it out) and what if it doesn't work? It does kinda freak me out to have another mans sperm in me but I think I'm more scared it won't work than anything.

Classes Done!

We finished our adoption class Saturday!!! YAY! We are cert parents! Oh and yes if ya'll hadn't figured it out I love!!!!!!!!! Still no word from the doctor on the forms hubby needs filled out. I'm going to email dhs and see what they will or won't do with out it. It's stressing me out that we can't get a hold of them and we can't move forward without it. I started my new job last week and so far it's good. I feel kinda all over the place with this baby stuff. I keep thinking about adoption and IUI and no money and work, school and I feel all over the place. Sucks! Anyways! If you live in US make sure you vote today!

Scared

This is the first time I'm admitting that I'm scared we won't get a baby, or not really even that but that we won't get approved. We have our last class Saturday and we should be close to approval but with all this crap they want on DH I'm scared. They could say he's had to many legal problems or health problems and we aren't approved. We haven't been able to get ahold of the doctor that needs to fill out his paperwork so I don't know what happens if we can get it filled out. We got paperwork yesterday in the mail that needed to be signed and we mailed that back. I'm just worried. My husband is always the strong one and always the one that will say this is going to happen we are going to get a baby, but he is losing hope. I feel bad because we have male factor and now he's the one with the back ground issues. I do feel bad for him, but annoyed. Proud of myself for not blaming him or freaking out, I just well I'm scared. I don't want to blame him because I love him but somedays it's hard not to have that horrible thought of what if I'd married somebody else or what if I'd gotten my BA years ago maybe I'd have the money for IVF and so on and on. Yesterday Hubby said I'm really scared we won't approved. What should we do if we aren't approved. I think he was waiting on me to freak out on him or cry. I calmly said well how would you feel about doing sperm donor IUI or IVF (he's very against going into debt for a baby) He said I'm good with either and I'll get a 2nd job that we can put just that money from that job toward medical treatments. I almost cried. I don't want him to have to work a 2nd job but it was very very sweet. Even with all this crap I really am lucky to have such a great guy! LOVE HIM! I am happy I married him just fyi lol!

Adoption is killing my...

mood, hope. I don't mean it but ugh!! All this stuff they want for hubby's DUI is crazy. They faxed me a four page question thing they want the doctor he saw after this classes. He hasn't seen this guy in what 4/5 years. How can fill out this paperwork? One does he remember and two some questions theres no way to know the answer to 5 years later. Then his new doctor here in OK won't give us the letter we need about his seizures because he's only seen him once. Now we have to get a letter from his old doctor in FL also. This is just getting more and more complicated. I'm just frustrated!! Sorry for the cry fest! I'll be ok, I just want this to pass. OH and because he had a DUI instead of just approving us our file has to go to a committee to be reviewed and approved. I checked on this before we applied and our casework said she didn't see a reason why we won't be approved but I'm still scared something will go wrong.

So busy!

Welcome everybody and thanks for stopping by. The short and sweet is we suffered unexplained infertility for 4 1/2 years before we found out we have very bad male factor. We were only give IVF or adoption, therefore we are in the middle of getting cert to adopt. Now that your all caught up the cert is going but it's so hard. We are almost done with classes but we still have been approved. They did our homestudy and send it to us, it read well I think but they said between that and our background coming back (hubby had a DUI in 2005) they need all this extra stuff they didn't tell us we needed in the beginning, even thought this was on our application. I should have known they ask for proof of DUI class completion but at the same time, if he has his license why do they need all this. Plus they want a note from the doctor that he's stable on his meds for his seizures. It was going so smooth that I guess I was just hoping it would all keep going that way and we'd be approved soon. I know this isn't easy and I knew it wouldn't be smooth but man this weekend has been hard. I just hope we can get all this extra paperwork for them and get approved, I'm just scared! I just want a baby so badly! In other news, root canal got finished a couple weeks ago and it was AWESOME! I feel so much better. I got my walking boot off as well. I've been in tennis shoes for a few weeks and I feel better but still having some pain. I don't see ditching them anytime soon. Doesn't look great in dress clothes but I'll live. I got a new job! Same pay, WAY better benefits. Paid holiday, sick, vacation, 401K, awesome insurance, and PAID maternity leave after I work there for a year so if it does take awhile to get a baby at least I'll get maternity leave, which will give us time to figure out the money/staying home vs working thing. I guess thats all for now, I need to sleep. Tons of homework this week and two tests and a paper next week on my first week of the new job. I think I took to many classes! I'm pretty burnt out! Is it Dec??

Keepin On

The frist half of my root canal went well. I have a really bad infection so they couldn't do the whole thing. I go back Tuesday for the 2nd half and crown. I feel so much better though. Wish the drive didn't suck but when your getting a good deal you take it! I had my MRI on my foot yesterday. I'll find out Monday (if the MRI comes back on time) whats wrong. I don't know how I feel about it because on the one hand who wants surgery or physical therapy but on the other hand I don't want them to say nothings wrong when the pain is getting worse and worse. Kinda makes me think of infertility. UGH! School is moving along. I'm doing ok. I wish I was doing better thought. I think I'm just going to go part time next semester. I can't afford to pay for school if I'm not working and working even part time and going to school full time is ALOT! I'm scared about next month when we start our PRIDE classes. Saturdays are my day to sleep and recharge and well get all my homework done and with class from 10-5 there won't be any sleeping in and I can do homework at night but man I'm gonna be whipped out!! My mom keeps telling me why don't you push off the classes until JAN and I think yeah that would be easier but It's been 5 years of trying I don't want to push it off!! I wanted a baby like well years ago. OH MY WORD 5 years, did I just say that?! Now I wanna cry! Why does this have to be so hard? I feel like such a weak person sometimes, a jelouse person. Part of me coupons for baby things and really does believe we'll get out baby but the sad part of me thinks am I kidding myself, are we really going to get a baby?! UGH This just isn't something your suppose to worry about pretty much your whole 20's. Ok now I've got tears welling up and my lunch is about up so I'm going to suck them in and head to class and try to not think about it. I thought school was suppose to keep my mind off this and help me toward a degree in the mean time. Guess this shows what I really want in life. I suck!

YUCK

Thats how I feel. I have a HORRIBLE toothache. Root Canal tomorrow, thank goodness!! Although I have to drive close to 5 hours each way alone to the dentist. I'm not happy about the drive me the pain is so bad I just want it done. I shouldn't have waited until it started hurting to get it fixed. My boot is also hurting so bad, it always done the day after an apt. Ya know the whole let me push on very little thing and you tell me if it hurts. YES IT HURTS!! Waiting to hear when my MRI is. My bosses at work are being ummm hows a nice way to say it, not understanding that I have doctors apts. Pretty much told me they don't want me to come in late for doctors apt, didn't want to give me the day off for the dentist. Can't I just skip school and go, umm no! They pretty much don't want me to go to school in the spring. It's just to hard on them when I'm not there. HELLO! We've lost a person and I went part time, you need to hire somebody full time! DUH! I'm only one person. UGH, can you tell I'm annoyed. All that to say I'm looking for a new job. I want to work M-W-F and I want holiday/sick/vacation pay and if I need to come in late for a doctors apt one day then thats ok (I don't mind staying late). I think my sister can get me a job with her company and they are very understand and flex sch. Not to much going on with the adoption. Waiting for our home study. They have done all of our reference checks so I don't think the home study is to far off. Our PRIDE classes start the first weekend in OCT. I'm ready to get them over, but I'm scared about how it's going to effect everything else. I study and get my homework done on Saturdays, I sleep in and thats what keeps me going all week and that won't be there when we start classes. Just another thing I can over come right? School is going well. I had my first two tests today, yes on top of feeling crappy!! I know I aced my first one and feel better good on the 2nd but we'll see. Sorry for the rambling. I have been trying to keep up and read your blogs just suck at writing myself or commenting. I can only get away with so much nonstudying internet. Hubbys pretty umm whats a nice word, kindly reminds me all the time you need study babe. LOL

All about school

Sorry I’ve been a bad blogger lately. School started this week and it’s a tad more over whelming then I thought it would be. I’m taking 12 credit hours. I’ll walk you thru my day and sorry if this is boring. I start off with my communication class (lecture only on Tues. Morning) and I love my teacher. He’s super funny and keeps the class engaged. Then I walk to the other side of campus (yes with the boot) and go to Anthropology. This class is lame! The teacher pretty much goes over the reading he gave us to read prior to class or goes off on a story that has nothing to do with what the topic is. Then I take only a ten min. walk to my American Gov. class. I thought this would be my fav class but so far I’m not liking it. Mostly because I’ve only gone to one class and the teacher is CRAZY! She won’t let you go to the bathroom, leave early or come in late. Wants people using a computer to sit in the front (it’s stadium seating with a ton of stairs). She’s just kinda strict for a college class. I thought I left the Army last year. Maybe my next class will go better. Oh she also gave us a crap ton of homework. More homework than I had for my whole online class last semester. Then I have an hour break to eat lunch and what not. Then I go to communication (this is the talking/group part) and I like my teacher in this class as well. She’s a TA and seems really down to earth. This is by far my fav topic yet but like I said I’ve only gone to one class. Now this class and my next were in the same building, great because I only ten min. Well the communication class got moved as there was no way to hook up the computer and the chairs did suck but now it’s on the other side of campus. I’m gonna be late every class! I might might maybe be able to make it if I wasn’t wearing the boot but there is no way with. My last class in Understanding Dance. I think I’ll enjoy this class. We have to go see a few performances and things like that. I don’t think it’ll be to hard. I really need to do well and raise my GPA. I don’t think any of my classes are to hard but they are going to a lot of work. I’m not sure it was the best idea to work 24 hrs a week and go to school 12. Plus the drive to and from. I need more study time during the week. Working wen may have to go. Well see how it goes. It’s only week one so I hope that I’ll find a nice flow, right now it’s just over whelming. On a side note I had my doctors apt this morning to go over all my blood work. All normal! The doctor filled out my medical slip for the adoption so one more thing marked off my list. Now to get the classes down and the home study. Ready to get this ball rolling.

Finger Prints

DONE!! Also paid my tuition so Fall. UGH!

Home Assessment

It wasn't the home study like I thought, just the home assessment. It went awesome though! She said she was very impressed with how clean it was, the baby room looked awesome and everything was already baby proofed. She said she's never come to a house and they had all the paperwork already. We are doing our finger prints tomorrow and having the doctor sign off on our "physicals" (It's really just blood pressure, height, weight.) on Thursday. We both already happened to have an apt for different reasons then so it works out. We can't start our classes until Oct though. Last class is Nov 3rd. She said she thinks by the time we finish our classes that we'll be fully cert. We should have the real home study in a couple weeks. Should only take one home study since the house is done, then they come back and just have you read over everything and make sure it's what you answered and that everything is correct. She told us that she doesn't think it'll take very long to get a placement. I told her I'd heard 2 years for a newborn and she said she didn't think it would be that long. Shocked me! HAPPY! I can't believe by early Nov well be cert and we could have a baby by the end of the year. CRAZY I mean don't get me wrong I don't expect it to be that fast but you never know.

Tomorrow!

We have been cleaning like crazy people. A special thanks to my sister for all her help (It's really hard with a boot on your leg). I still wanna sweep the floor one more time but all in all this apartment is as clean as I've ever seen it. Yes we are that messy/dirty. LOL! I think we are ready for tomorrow. I have all our extra paperwork, birth cert, insurance all that stuff. This is happening! SCARY! On non-baby news I start my Jr year at OU next week. Who knows if I'll finish or if we'll get a baby before or after I finish but I'm a student there and thats what matters. I never thought I'd A get this far in school and B ever be a student at OU!! I'll fill ya'll in after our meeting tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Boot

Well my morning started off with a bang. Theres how my day went. As some of you know I had some feet problems at basic and it got better when I came home and now it's been flaring up again. I had an apt this morning and well you see what they did. At least it's not a cast or anything. 3 1/2 weeks of this. It's not broken but he is hoping it's a soft tissue issue because if this doesn't work then it's an MRI and maybe a torn tendon. This will be tons of fun while trying to clean house. I can't put any weight on it unless I'm in the boot. AND they called and moved up our home study. I'm happy it's a day earlier and I'm already off that day but there goes a cleaning day. Onward and upward RIGHT?!

Home Study

Cleared our background! YAY Home study is next Friday! SCARY!!! My house is so dirty and gross. We were out of town this weekend so It's got two weeks of yuck and I'm not the cleanest to start. This week is gonna stink and I'm so tired from being gone all weekend and not resting. This is hard. I wanna be excited but I'm tired!! I can do this because the goal is a baby right!! I just need to keep pushing. It's crazy you try not to think about it and then woosh right back in it!

Adoption Breastfeeding

Thoughts? Advice? I'm very interested and have read a lot but nothing else. What do ya'll think??

Welcome!

I haven't been around in a few months but it's good to be back. Hubby and I moved a few months ago and have decided to look into adoption. We started the paperwork last week. We are waiting to hear about our background checks so we can start the classes and finger prints/home study. I think I've finished the room. I might get a chair but other than that it's done. DH looked at it today and said I really want babies/kids in this room but i'm so scarred they won't give us one. It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that because one I have a slight fear myself but I'm doing a good job of being hopeful and I want to keep that faith.

Socks

I offered somebody my socks (unused) and she said I should do a give away. So If somebody wants a pair let me know or if we want to start a train that'd be fun too. Let me know!

Our adoption meeting went well. They didn't tell me must we didn't already knew. We turned in our background and application. It takes about three weeks to get the background back and then we'll have our home study and get our finger prints. The classes take about 5 weeks. We could be approved in 3 or 4 months. Adopting an infant is really hard thru the state so I feel the wait it going to take awhile. We are open to two children though so maybe well get lucky and get an infant and a 1 or 2 year old. The point is we've started the process and thats what matters. I just want to be approved and get a baby! I've been working hard on the baby/kid room. It's almost done, just need the bedding for the full size bed but here are the pics so far.

Adoption Meeting

TOMORROW. Scared, nervous, excited, ready. Tons of emotions. Here we go!!

Hang in there!

I've just been working and trying to keep my mind off things. I feel like the 12th is so far away. I am trying to slowly try to get things done so when we go to our meeting and get the paperwork were ready and prepared so we can get everything checked off quickly. I've started working on the life book. It's pretty much just a book with pics of us, family, friends, animals. I'm only about three pages in but so far so good. I ordered a new dresser and book shelf to get finished unpacked. We just don't have room for all our clothing so that should fix the mess in our room. All thats in the spare/baby room is books so a bookshelf will fix that. Then I can try and make it more kid friendly. I wanna get things clean and organized and ready for the home study, even though I know it might not happen for a couple months. This whole waiting for 2 plus years might get a little annoying! On a brighter note, OU has decided to give me in-state tuition so I'm all set for school in the Fall! Maybe that'll help me keep my mind off things while I wait. Who knows I might have to slow it down and only take one class because were giving a baby, or I might have my BA by the time we get one. This is crazy, I feel like I live in two worlds.

Scared

We got our packet this weekend. DH and I went to dinner and went over the packet and it's really scary. They need so much stuff; banking info, letters from employers, references, insurance info, car insurance, drivers license, just a lot of stuff! This is so scary, what if we don't get approved. I don't wanna tell anybody because what if we don't or we change our minds, but we need references. I'm pretty open with saying we are infertile but saying were moving forward with adoption I guess is scary, I wish I had a better word but I don't. I'm trying to stay claim and chill but it's hard. I wanna be excited but then again what if it takes forever, what if it doesn't work. I wanna buy stuff and yet what if we don't get approved, but I don't wanna get a call hey you have a baby and we have no stuff. Once again I just wish I could shut my brain off.

Can't shut my brain off

I can't stop thinking about all this adoption stuff. I wish I had more info and I feel like the 12th can't get here fast enough to learn more and get this started. Can my info packet please come in the mail!!!!!!!

I'm back and boy am I overwhelmed!

I'm sorry I've been gone so long. We have moved to Oklahoma, I'm working full time at a job I love. DH is working at a good he likes and can grow at. I got in to Oklahoma University. I finished my AA (only took forever). We have taken time off since getting the news that we have male factor infertility. We have been putting back money here and there for IVF, planning that one day we'll have the money. That being said I kinda feel like fertility has been on the back burner these past few months and we've just been standing still. I'm sure you all know that feeling. We've talked many times about looking into adoption, and then many more times about doing when we moved, then once or twice since moving but never made any movement about anything. Please ask how things are going and I had nothing to say. Then out of the blue yesterday my mom text me and say she has an interview with the state adoption people. I guess just as a clerk or something but it got me thinking. I mentioned to the hubby that we should talk to them and really think about it because it can take years to get a baby and hopefully in three years I'll have my BA and it might take that long to get a baby. He says ok, yeah we should think about it and talk to them about the process and just get all the info. Part of me was thinking he just wants me to shut up. I filled out the form online to get an info packet, not thinking anything about it. Well this morning the girl calls and says were sending your stuff do you have questions. Still not thinking to much about it, they have 7 days to call whatever. Well an hour later the women calls and says where are you, what do you think and you start with an info session and fill out paperwork and start the background paperwork. At this point I'm thinking ok not to scary but Dh might be upset about this meeting, it might be to fast we haven't talked about it being real or anything. I called him at lunch and said are you ok with this meeting, can i say we'll be there. He said YES. I was kinda surprised, although I don't think he knows whats all goes into getting approved but I guess this meeting is the first step. I feel like we made a huge decision. The worse part is I feel it was on accident. Like I wasn't planning on looking into yesterday or talk to them today and bam were moving forward with adoption. We haven't closed the door on IVF, were still saving but I know we are way off. It's crazy because I know it could take along time but then again it could be christmas. This whole thing is so overwhelming!!!!!!! I'm kinda freaking out! Any advice??

Spotting

I don't know whats going on. I had a normal 4 day period 3/16-3/19. Then 5 days of brown spotting which is NOT normal for me. Then nothing. Then day before yesterday pink spotting, then yesterday light brown only when i whipped, then today dark brown and it's heaver. I don't get it. I've also had some period like cramping yesterday and Thursday when I was working out at the gym. None of this is normal for me, what gives? I was thinking maybe it's because I've been trying to work out more, I'm moving, maybe I'm stressed even though I don't feel it. I just don't get it! The only reason my brain is messed up is because I said something to my best friend of course she says if it were me I'd take a test but I don't wanna put that out there cause I want it to come true. That's a one in a million so thats crazy. But really what gives?!

I hate Facebook!

but I'm an addict!

Just when you thinking you've put infertility on the back burner and don't have to think about it at least for a week or two somebody goes and posts baby pictures or belly pictures or hey guess what were pregnant. Why can't I just walk away from Facebook?

Plus I don't think posting here the other day help. It just made me think about do I plan a life without kids and then again how to I plan a life without kids. Do you just play without them and if it happens you fit it in. That sounds horrible! Oh course I think about a baby almost daily, and how to save enough money. Can we afford IVF if we find a really good deal? I just wish I could shut the want off and not think about it. It would make life easier!

Tons to update

Im sorry I've been so bad about writing. So much has happened in the last couple weeks. I just haven't had time, or energy.

Like you all know we've been talking moving for awhile but hadn't decided where or if we were going to pull the trigger if you will and really leave Florida. The end of Feb was when we had to give notice to our apt and we'd been debating for the full week before as to what we were gonna do and DH being a man couldn't make up his mind and then the day rent was due he goes make sure you put in our notice. UMMM ok so were moving, yeah but I don't know where yet. Then the next day he tells me were moving to Oklahoma. Now we'd talked about it 100 times but never decided on it. Like a man once again I guess he just had to think about and mull it over for a few weeks to decide.

Keep in mind this was Feb 29th-Mar 2nd this all happened. After talking to my parents and DH and a lot of talking and back and forth we decided I'm going to fly out April 4th and stay with my parents for a month while I look for a job. Hopefully I'll find one easily. My goal is to find a job and get a house before DH gets there around May 2nd. This may not all work out and we may end up having to stay with my parents longer than we want to but I know everything will work out how it should.

I applied to school and I'm waiting to hear back. I should get in so I'm excited about that.

As you can see we are trying to focus on moving, new jobs and me going back to school rather than babies right now. I know it's going to take a lot of money, time and planning to have a family and I'm just not sure either of us are ready for that right now. Plus as much as we've talked about IVF vs donor sperm I just don't know if were really ready for either.

Why is this all so hard, I just want a baby, a nursery, a family. Oh well it'll happen!

I'll try to update as much as I can but the next few weeks are going to be super busy as I'm trying to get everything packed before I leave so DH can just work OT and clean once I'm gone.

Money Matters

Our tax return sucks!!!!!

After paying some extra bills, renewing my car tag it's all gone. I was hoping to have some extra to put toward IUI but no such luck. I really think we'll have to wait till April to do IUI with the extra cost of having to buy donor sperm. I just don't want our saving/checking account to much.

Plus I'm kinda hopping that by then DH will have a new job. His job now is going well but it's just not the job he or I want him to have. Plus he has no benefits. He's got a really good lead on a job and hopefully we'll get good news tomorrow. Please pray!!!!!!

Welcome

I can't believe it's that time of the month again.

I'll stay sorry now for my blog being so depressing.

Yesterday was my b-day and it was pretty rough. From another year with no baby to my lovely mother-in-law saying your not pregnant are you? Me:no, we are infertile thats not something you have to worry about. Her: oh thank God. People wonder why we don't tell her things. Yeah anyways I don't like my b-day. I feel much better today.

We're dealing with the whole baby thing. I think were going to move on with IUI soon but it's a slow go so well see. I just can't bring myself to call the doctor and ask what the next step is. I want a baby now so I don't know why I'm having such a hard time picking up the phone.

I wish the voices in my head would stop!!

Not real voices...lol. Just how women's heads can't stop thinking and wondering.

I just want to move forward. I want to have a baby already, i wanna be pregnant. It just sucks that it's so hard and it's going to cost so much. I kinda wanna be mad that it's so easy for everybody else but at the same time I'm grateful we have an answer and hopeful that we can get pregnant now. I just hope it works!

Then theres the whole DH needs a job things and I'm praying so hard. I hope that in a few months well look back at this and think it was all worth it. I hope that DH gets a good job and well move and have hopefully have infertility insurance and things will finally be easy. Does that ever happen??

Just please pray something amazing comes along. Love you guys, your comments and encouragement help so much!

Well

Yesterday after the whole sperm thing, DH told me he thinks he's been feeling weird because he thinks he might have had another seizure, he also noticed he'd bitten his tongue. That of course became my main concern more so than a baby. Although I have to admit I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just want a plan it makes me feel better. DH didn't want to talk at all yesterday because he felt yucky and needed to sleep. That was really hard.

I'm worried about DH mostly because he shouldn't be having seizures while on meds. Then he tells me he misses pills a lot...ugh men I swear. Plus he drives a car for a living and I can't think about him having a seizure while driving. I've been telling him for along time he needed a new job but I think he finally sees my point.

Our focus for now is to find DH a job! Were looking all over the country, mostly to get out of FL....I hope!

Once were moved or at least have a new job here well get back to the baby thing. We agreed to look into everything from adoption, foster care, IVF, sperm donor but we both already know were going to start with donor sperm, we have talked about it before, but if it makes DH feel better to look into everything I'll do whatever makes me happy, even if I just want to get back to trying.

Am I horrible for feeling like we've wasted four years and now this whole cycle since we didn't find out until cd2. I just want to start trying now! I know we need to worry about a job first but it's hard not to want a baby.

I have no words

I got a call from the doctor and DH test came. It was really bad.

Normal HBA count is 80%, they'll do IUI with a count as low as 40%, but sadly DH is 11%.

They said chances of getting pregnant on our own is pretty much none, less than 1% with IUI. They want us to move on to IVF which we can't afford but does give us a 75%, 80% chance of pregnancy. We could also do with Donor Sperm which gives us a 75% chance with IUI.

This is a lot of take in. I feel so bad for DH and the poor amazing man was worried about me being upset about having to wait a couple months to move forward, worried I'd be mad at him. Man I love him!! I just feel bad for him and don't want him to blame himself because I don't!!!

I'm just at a loss right now.

The battle has begun.

Today has been quite a day. I am still pretty sick...well sinus/cold stuff. Stopped up, sneezing, blowing my nose a lot. Not I also have AF and a nasty fever blister on my lip. OUCH

I call the doctor this morning and the girl says the office hasn't really opened yet so can she call me back when she's got a chance to pull my file and call me back after nine, sure. She calls back and says she can't make my US apt because dh HBA hasn't come back. I explain that the doctor and I talked about going ahead and getting started with the meds and bloodwork at the same time as his test and she said that would be fine since I was so close to starting my cycle so we don't have to wait a full other month. She says I'm just going by what your chart says and it said if HBA is fine continue on with IUI so I can let you talk to the nurse if you want. Fine, isn't mine nurse she's out of the office until tomorrow but sure. OMG she gets on the phone and what a WITCH!! It took everything in me to be nice. First she reads word for word the doctors notes start to finish. Yeah I was there I remember. Then she goes on to tell me how it would be really stupid and a waste of time and month to do IUI if the HBA comes back as a fail because that means the sperm can't get in the egg and blah blah blah, like I'm stupid. She's talking to me like I'm dumb, like I didn't talk to the doctor for an hour, or that I haven't been dealing with this for FOUR! years. I tried to explain without crying that we had talked about doing it at the same time and I understand that we might start the meds tomorrow and find out friday that he failed, she kept acting like i'd have to go thru with the whole IUI even if that was the case and I'd be wasting so much money.

I also asked about the test because I was told it would be back in 24 hrs which would be today and when I dropped if off yesterday the woman doing the test said it did take 24 hrs but then the doctor would have to read over them so I might not hear till Thursday. Thats still cd3 and the same day I'd do my US, bloodwork and start my meds. Still see no problems here. She finally agreed to call the other office and speak with the doctor and call me back.

I know the doctor will say I'm fine to go ahead as long as we know the risk were taking blah blah blah. I'm just mad that this nurse thats never met me was so rude! This journey is hard as is without you talking down to me and even more so talking to me like that on cd2, do you know how emotional I am about having a baby?!

The other thing that bugs me is when she read the notes from the doctor it says do 2-3 rounds of IUI and move onto IVF. I thought they normally did at least 4 before moving to IVF. If were both so young and healthy and they don't know why we can't get pregnant why are they pushing IVF so hard. I won't even be 26 till next week I shouldn't need IVF. Not to say I don't, maybe I do, maybe my eggs are crap but why are they pushing so hard. We only did 3 rounds of clomid, none of them monitored, very little bloodwork. I don't get it. What are they not telling me??? I feel like theres something going on that they aren't telling me. Am I crazy????

Here we go

DH had his test this morning. We should hear back Thursday. I'm trying not to worry, I really haven't thought about it all day so thats something.

AF finally showed up this afternoon, of course after we got home so I'll have to drive down by my self Thursday. This drive is going to get old really fast!

I still haven't heard back from Winfertility on the cost, they were having trouble with one of the tests they wanted or something and sent it back to the doctor and the nurse is out till Thursday. I hope I can still get my cd3 US Thursday will all the drama on cost. AHHHHHH

I hope this is here we go and nothing comes up to prevent us from moving forward.

Long Weekend

It's been a long weekend here. Tons of thinking, wondering, hoping, worrying and dreaming.

I'm trying to remember everything I forgot to post after my apt. The doctor did put me on baby aspirin to prevent another miscarriage but other that isn't worried about it happening again, just things it was a first pregnancy fluke.

I am slightly worried about DH HBA. I know that well deal with it if he fails and if he doesn't well go on with IUI and just be ok with not knowing why we can't get pregnant.

DH found out this company is merging with another and won't know anything until March. Most seems to think all will be fine and nobody will lose their job but I can't help but worry as we move forward with IUI about DH having a job since I'm unemployed. We did decided I'm not going to focus to much on finding a job, I'm sure all apply if anything great opens but for now were going to focus on IUI and school and not worry about it. Who knows maybe I'll get that job at the school.

On to the dreaming, I mean literal dreams. Crazy dreams. Dreams where we have a baby, dreams were we don't, dreams were we have more than one. The worst was that DH failed his HBA and we decided to do donor sperm and we had a baby and then when the kid was 10 DH and I went thur a nasty divorce and DH tired to say the kid wasn't his so he wouldn't have to pay, knowing full well a blood test would show he wasn't the bio dad. I woke up crying.

What were you told your change of success would be with IUI? We were told 15% because I'm in my twenties. Our chance for twins was 10% and triplets were 1%. Does this should right. I feel like it's so low. 15% really?! UGH!

So far so good.

Well I think overall the apt with the new doctor went well. I mean I only cried once so that's good for me. Lol she was very nice, a little figity and kinda a close talker. She said she really finds it crazy when someone in their twentys can't get pregnant with all the tests at normal. She really wanted to help keep cost down and keep us from having to drive so far to much.

She said she wants to do leturzole 3-7 after a cd3 U/ S. She isn't totally convinced I need any help ovulating but I said I wanted it either way. She also wants to do an HBA on DH since he does take meds for his seizures just to make sure his sperm can penetrate the egg. Has anyone had this done? I've never heard of it before. This totally freaks me out that something will be wrong.

So we'll do dh test Tuesday and if it's good we'll continue if he fails well do donor sperm since we don't want... well can't afford IVF. Do leturzole and then cd12 US with trigger and then check my progesterone day21. They are going to do two IUIs. 48 hrs apart. I'm very happy they are going to check my progesterone because I asked my old RE and she wouldn't do it and what if it's horribly low?

She did an US and said I have very pretty ovaries. Dh thought this was funny and kept saying see baby you have PRETTY ovaries. My linning was a 10. That good right? I should be starting my cycle soon. It would be awesome to start af this weekend so I could do my US he day of DH test since the office is two hrs away. She did comment on the socks I wore for the US, you must have been dealing with infertility for awhile to be trying to be fun and wear awesome socks!

I think that's it. Thanks for hang in with me! Man I've never wanted af to show up so bad before!

Shirt

Hope you understand cause DH didn't. Silly boys!

Socks

DH wanted to take pictures too. LOL

He had to get the socks in. Love him!

Guess I don't have a job

I had to go in and meet with the women I interviewed with boss. The interview went great and I was thinking it was just a formality and she'd give me a start date. They already did my back ground and the woman last week said they weren't interviewing anybody else. She said she wanted me to start by the 13th, then today the woman says they are interviewing other people and it's going to be a few weeks before they hire someone. WHAT?!! I'm so confused. I really think the woman that interviewed me last week got totally steam rolled by her boss. I don't know what to think.

I'm pissed on the one hand because she offered me the job last week but on the other hand a few weeks means we can go full steam ahead with IUI and not worry about missing work or working it around work. This makes me happy.

Can't it just be tomorrow already??!!

Tomorrow I'll post a pic of my cute shirt and socks!

Love you guys! Thanks for letting me vent!

What should I ask??

My apt with the new doctor to start IUI is Friday. What questions should I be asking? Pills vs injectibles. Sperm count. Monitoring. Help!!!

Feel like a fat cow!

I came back from basic two months ago at 135 and now I'm 146. I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen. I feel so fat and gross. I know that once I start working it'll help because I won't be bored sitting around eating all day, I'm getting a gym membership this week. I don't know how much I can do with my injury but I'm gonna do my best.

My problem is eating, how do I fix that? I have no self control and I'm worried with all there fertility drugs it's just gonna get worse. HELP! I feel like crap, I hate myself.

I got the job!!!!!

I'm so overly excited!!!!!!

It's really good pay, full benefits after 90 days and if I don't get pregnant and quite when the LO is born they'll pay for my BA after a year.

This will help with all the medical stuff we've been paying for out of pocket. We can get a 2nd car which we've been needing for along time! Were looking at the Honda Insight. I'm pumped!

It really wasn't an interview it was more of this is what the job is do you want it. I'll be the admissions directors assistant. I'll be doing anything from being her eyes and ears to paper work to just doing whatever she needs. I'm super excited because this is perfect for me!!

The best part is I'll be working three days a week 9-5 and the other two 12-8 so hopefully I'll be able to do monitoring appointments with no problems. The doctor is two hours away so I'm nervous.

Anyways all in all an awesome day. Hopefully I'll start mid next week or the following Monday. Just waiting on my back ground to come back!

Thanks for all the good lucks from yesterday!!

Fail #3

Tried to get my blood work done again today and they said they couldn't find it in their records that I saw Dr Walsh and was referred to my current Endo by him. I know I was. To get my labs done there (much cheaper than labcorb) I have to make an apt with him. Oh well maybe he'll decide since my thyroid is now under control he can take over my care which would be nice since it's only a mile or two from home and not an hour. To bad this means I won't have my labs back in time for my apt with the RE. I'm not worried about it though as I haven't been having any majors problems that make me think that it's off or anything.

Oh an awesome note!!! I have a job interview tomorrow! I've had a couple in the past couple weeks but nothing has panned out but this one I have a really good feeling about. It's for a college and I interviewed there a few weeks ago and they liked me but then noticed I am in school for my BA and don't have it yet. I never thought I'd hear from them again so when she called today and was going on and on about how she's sorry it didn't work out, all the while I'm thinking yeah yeah I got your letter and then she says well I liked you so much that I want you to interview for the administrative assistant job that just opened up. I didn't post it online I thought of you as soon and I heard they needed someone, can you come in tomorrow!!! My husband thinks it's my job to lose and I kinda agree because in a way this is my third interview with them. The best new is it has INSURANCE!!!!! and benefits and the starting pay is the same as the job I interview for before and the way I see it this one doesn't deal with the students or cold calling people so it's better!

Please Pray!!! I really want and need this job!

What have I done?

After reading blog and being so mad I (stupidly) posted it on Facebook, mostly because a lot of my friends like Ron Paul. Little did I know that everybody was gonna freak out about IVF and how they don't agree with me. I'm at a loss for words. I'm so emotionally invested that it was hard for me to nicely ask what their problem with it was. I emailed one of them and asked and she responds with she wouldn't bind what she thinks on anybody she just doesn't agree with IUI or IVF...WHAT? I can understand that some people have a problem with left over embryos so that I can see. I believe in IVF but whats wrong with IUI??

I really wasn't prepared for the comments and for so many people to be so against IVF and IUI. It makes me sad and makes me want to close myself off and hind about being infertile. It makes me wish I hadn't been so open because I'm really upset by the lack of support. Then again they don't know were about to start IUI so how can I be upset. I so badly want to pick up the phone and call somebody and talk to feel better but nobody knows where doing IUI so what do I do?

I'm just so glad I have all of you and that you understand! Thank you for always being there and having something nice to say.

I'm happy with my decision

to switch RE's after yesterday.

First let me back track. I needed to have my thyroid checked before my apt so I was going to get it done Friday morning and because they do more than just my thyroid i have to do a fasting blood test, well I forgot and woke up starving at 4am and so i ate and then remembered i wasn't suppose to. oops so I fasted to have my blood drawn Monday. My primary doctor also does the blood test for my endo because he referred me and he's here and my endo's an hour away. I go in and they say they won't do by blood test anymore because he hasn't seen me in awhile. I was so mad because he said he couldn't see me for my thyroid thats why he send me to an endo. I was hungry so i was super cranky! I left almost in tears and decided to call the 2nd office with the doctor I like better, they said they didn't see why they couldn't do my blood work but she'd check and call me back. I was so mad I went ahead and ate.

In the meantime I call the RE and say I'm coming thru Tampa tomorrow so can you get my medical records ready and I'll sign the release tomorrow. (I talked to them a month ago and they said just call a day before and they'd get it ready) The lady says she can't do that because it takes 5 days to get my records and they have to mail them. WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me this a month ago?? I did talk them into giving them to me in person by next Thursday if I fax in the form. I'm so annoyed!

Then the doctor called me back and said they'd do my blood work! YAY To bad I'd already eaten. Now I'll have to not eat again tonight to have them do my draw tomorrow morning. I'll never go back to doctor A again. Only reason I go to that lab is they women there is AWESOME but I dislike the doctor. Love doctor B but not the lab, oh well.

Anyways I'm really happy I'm switching Re's after the way they acted on the phone about my records.

It sickens me...

The way people treat their children these days.

First I just want to say I get that people aren't perfect, I'm far from perfect, I have many many flaws and I know I will fail time and time again as a parent, however some things are just not ok.

I was asked to babysit today and I said no problem. They are my nieces, any day any time. I love them. Well I was going to keep them while their dad worked till midnight and tomorrow till 4, so they were going to just stay the night. I get a text an hour before they come from grandma saying she's picking them up at 630, I just wait to see what dad says cause it's his weekend so I was confused. He gets here and says she begged to have them since her BF will have his kids. I figured since I have to work I'll just miss out on them tomorrow night and let her take them. I said ok no big deal.

Well dad leaves and the oldest starts crying and I said babe whats wrong (this isn't like her) and she says I don't wanna go home (they live with mom and grandma) I wanna go to daddys. I tried to explain that daddy was working and she'll see him in two weeks. She was just crying and crying that it wasn't fair she never gets to see daddy and she only got to see him for a day not the whole weekend like she was suppose to. That the younger two see daddy every week and she can't because of school. What do you say to a 6 year old when they are telling you this. She asked why she couldn't see daddy next weekend and I said it was mommys weekend and they were going to see B (moms new BF) and she got all upset and said she didn't want to that mom and B fight all the time and she wanted to live with daddy.

None of this matters to mom and she pretty much told me as such when i asked her what to tell her child that was very upset. She doesn't see that this divorce and putting her new bf before her children is wrong. Fine you don't want to be married, you want to date this new guy before you've even filed but don't put him before your kids. Getting a divorce is hard enough without putting for kids on the back burner.

It just makes me so mad that people that don't care about their kids at all. That people like that can pop them out right and left and good people like so many of us can't.

As I sit here this sweet face of the middle child comes and says Aunt Jennie can I sit in your lap and write on the computer too. How can you do this to a sweet harmless child. It's so sad!

Sorry, that was my vent of the week! ENJOY LOL

Such a nice day

Some days I feel like my husband must read my blog. I know he doesn't but anyways.

He took me to a GREAT lunch and then we walked on the beach. He asked how I was feeling about IUI coming up and talked about baby names. We talked about where to go from here if this doesn't work. It really was what I needed today. It's amazing how he knows just what to do sometimes. There were things I wasn't thrilled with. He doesn't want to do IVF if this doesn't work (money, I get it) but it still broke my heart. We talked about adoption, and if we'd be ok with that and the stress involved. I just hope IUI works and we don't have to deal with any of those choices.

I really am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. I know that things aren't always perfect and there are days I swear he just sits and giggles to watch me want to kill him but I am truly blessed.

Try to be calm and cool

We decided not to tell anyone about doing IUI. Mostly because we don't want to deal with any of the neg comments about jobs, money, school. I know that everybody would be happy with a baby just not thrilled about paying money to get one. This makes me sad. Because I come from infertility so that's hard. I just wanna pick up the phone and have somebody tell me Itll work out don't worry I know it's stressful and hard but I don't. Dh gets it to a point but at the same time he's a man. He doesn't want to know or hear that I think about this every minute of the day. I feel like this is so unhealthy! Lol I really need a job or something to keep my mind busy. I know I'm still limited with my injury on what I can and can't do but I've got to find something.

I just hate feeling alone.

To sock it or not?

I've seen some really fun socks on some of your blogs on the day of transfer or IUI and I've been debating if I should get some fun, good luck socks. I normally wear flip flops but changing it up and taking pictures might be fun and it'll be something to do that might help the stress.

Thoughts?

Welcome and my crazy random thoughts!

Welcome visitors! I hope you find my blog fun and wanna stick around for our crazy journey. If you wanna know about me check out my hot links at the top.

Does anybody else feel like they don't post for a couple days and then they have 6 things they wanna write about in one day?

Here goes my randomness.

1. I've been having really bad headaches and its starting to worry me. I had a horrible horrible last week Sun-Wen morning and I was going to go to the doctor when it went away. I was hoping it was just a AF headache but not it's back. I don't know what it is. I'm getting my thyroid checked this week so I hope its not that. I think I might need an eye exam. Could it be this bad from my eyes? I don't have any other reason to think I need glasses other than this and my eye do hurt sometimes. About three years ago they told me I needed the lightest prescription but I never got it and now its three years later.

2. I have got to stop googling things. I have googled everything there is to google about IUI. I really need to stop, I'm making myself crazy!!! We haven't gotten to our first visit to find out what this new doctor will and won't do. (oral meds vs injectables) Time frame, anything. 19 days!!

3. What are ya'lls thoughts on letrozel vs injectables?

4. Is it crazy to really believe and trust this is going to work first shot? After 4 years of IF to believe it's going to work. I also have a really strong feeling we'll have multiples, am I crazy. I don't know why I feel so strongly but I just have a feeling. Maybe because they doctor gave us really good odds for it working (the old doctor well see what the new doctor says) and because my risk of multiples is a bit higher.

I think thats all I have for now, my brain is just all over the place. If I'm this crazy and we haven't even gotten to the IUI month how am I going to be during that? I'm gonna need to take a vacation of something during the tww or something.

None to Pleased

I took fertilaid this month before we decided to go ahead with IUI. Now I'm on CD27 since its after midnight and I've been spotting for two days which means AF is due any minute. If and when it shows today that'll mean a 26 day cycle. I'm not happy about this because if I have another short cycle like this again I'll be on cd2 or 3 when my IUI apt finally gets here. I'm worried they won't do the IUI if thats the case, mostly because they have to send our protocol over to winfertility for approval before we can start. I don't want to wait a whole other month to start IUI.

I'm not happy. I'm thinking I won't take fertilaid again this month as I was planning in hopes my cycle will go back to 30-32 days.

As unhappy as I am at the moment I'm trying to be positive and know everything will work out for the best and God has a plan.

Money Matters

Anybody else sit and wonder can I afford IUI, IVF? Do we have the money to have a baby (i.e. get pregnant) let alone raise one?

I'm the worrier in our household and I'm stressing. Our lease is up in April and we'd like to move out of state because DH finally finished his BA and doesn't have a great job now but with no calls back on any jobs and not sure which school would be best for a masters. (He's doing a lot of research) I know we can stay here if need be but neither of us want to but it's stressful thinking about moving and not knowing where and at this point no ones called so they do then who knows where well live and if they don't call do we stay here with not a great job or more for school and then neither of us have a job and I'll possibly be pregnant since IUI is end of Feb. Is this the right time? I mean the reason were doing now before we move is because we got such a great deal on that its hard not to give it at least one shot because we move since this program isn't offered all over the county. AHHHHHH

What is wrong with me?! Anybody else stressed about money while TTC? I feel like I'm always asking this money question because we never have as much as we'd like. LOL

Waiting

Called the new doctor and can't get in until Feb 10th. So far away! Means no IUI this cycle. I'm trying to be ok with it and just continue with the fertilitaid and go with it.

Here we go

I'm calling the new doctor tomorrow to set up our IUI planning apt! I tried to call today but they were closed due to the 1st. I really hope everything goes as planned and we can get in before our next cycle and that I like the new doctor! I'm really excited and I have huge hopes that this will work for us!