Post op

Just wanted to give an update on my post ob. The only thing he found was very very mild endo. He said it wasnt even stage one. He said with cleaning it out that it upped our chance of conceiving by 5-10%. With our male factor he said we should do a medicated IUI cycle. We are going to do half clomid half gonal F. He also said that he thinks I do need the PIO which makes me really happy. I really believe thats what we need to have this work. I don't wanna do it but I do.

No word on foster care, still waiting on State to sign our paper so we have day care. So much for 2-3 days, it's been 2 weeks.

If you want more of an update see my youtube channel.

Long overdue update.

I'm so sorry i fell off the blogging wagon. I don't know if I was depressed or just annoyed or what. This has just been super over whelming and frustrating. Theres an update for you all. If this video doesn't work you can also view it here.

CD 7-3dpiui

Sorry I've been so bad at updating, I've been so sick.

I ending up stimming for 9 days. 150IU of gonal F the first 7 and 75 the last two days. I was sick the whole time.

I did IUI on Friday. We had 12.6 million sperm. I had three mature follicles and possibly two more that might have caught up. They had a really hard time getting in my cervix but finally did with a lot of cramping. I'm on crinone this time and I like it much better. I hope it helps!

Yesterday 2dpiui I started having really bad pain in my ovaries and back. Couldn't even sit up this morning at 3dpiui. I finally talked to the doctor and he said based on my E2 level day of trigger he doesn't think it's ohss. He thinks my ovaries are just inlarged and swollen. He told me to keep drinking gatorade and track of my weight and if I gain more then 5lbs call him. I hope thats all it is but I'd really like to not be in pain. I pretty much slept all day today and I have tomorrow off already since my brother is in town. Hopefully I can at least make it to lunch even if I cant go to the lake.

2-6cd

Tuesday they started me on 150IU Gonal F, first 3 days went well. Day 4 of meds, yesterday cd5 I got really sick to my stomach. I can't keep any food in me at all. TMI warning*****************





About 2 or 3 hours after I eat, and it doesn't matter what I eat I'm either throwing up (thats only happened once) but most is horrible diarrhea. I can only assume it's from the gonal F. Its really not fun. I have spent way to much time in the mall and walmart bathrooms over the past two days. Who lives like this?!

Anyways I had my cd5 US and it showed 5 or 6 lead follices. I got back Monday for another US. I really hope this is out answer.

CD2 Appointment

I met with the PA today and she said she is still really positive about my case. I start gonal F tonight. 150IU for the next three and then US Friday. They don't know why I started bleeding but they are going to change me to crinone first before switching to PIO.

I'm scared but I'm so ready to do this. I've decided I'm going to focus on me this cycle and stop worrying about everybody else. I just can't give give give all the time.

10-12dpiui

10dpiui- spotted twice so I was hopping it was implantation bleeding

11dpiui - spotting got much much worse so I figured I was out but still hoping it was implantation cause I'm on progesterone.

12dpiui - I've been bleeding to the point I need a tampon, not as heavy as normal but much more then spotting. Tested before all this this morning and it was neg so.

How do you start your period on progesterone? I've never had a cycle this should. I'm so annoyed. I have an apt tomorrow to go over my injectibles and I'm going to talk to her about why my cycle is so short. UGH anything else I should ask?

10dpiui

Test was neg this am so it must have been trigger. I've never tested positive before 12 so it would have been crazy. Ugh a few more days!

9dpiui

I tested this morning. Both my two previous cycles trigger was gone at 9dpiui. The first cycle i tested every two days from day 2. 2nd cycle I only tested at day 5 and 9. This time since I was outta town I decided just to test day 9. UGH it was positive, very positive. Ok not very but it looked like the one I took at day five the first cycle. Yes I have them taped to a piece of paper still.

I really believe I'm pregnant but I don't wanna get my hopes up. I went and got frer and I'll take one tomorrow and Sunday. I kinda hope the cheap one is darker tomorrow and then I'll know but if nothing else i hope I have a better idea by Sunday.

5-8dpiui

I have been meaning to post everyday but I've been so tired.

5dpiui - light cramping but it was pretty good day. We drove 8 hours home and I spelt at least 3 hours in the car so I didn't notice to much.

6dpiui- more cramping, pain/pressure down below. Very tired, don't know if thats the three day weekend or pregnancy? Huge painful boobs.

7dpiui- pinching on my sides. Still cramping and tired. Huge boobs, painful boobs.

8dpiui (today) - Pretty intense cramping. My bbs hurt so badly. After my nap I had to put a bra on they hurt so bad. I finally got to take a nap after work. I slept for 2 1/2 hours and it's not even 10pm and I'm ready to crash. My boobs are getting out of control HUGE!

I hope so so so much this is it. If it's not this is some cruel sick joke. In my gut I really think I'm pregnant but I'm so scared it's in my head and we'll have to move on to injectibles.

Planning on testing tomorrow to make sure trigger is gone and then I'm gonna try to hold out till Tuesday.

Cd13 - 4pdiuu

Sorry I haven't been around this week. I worked extra everyday so I could leave early to go out of town. This was on top of class and IUI.

Tuesday - just worked and had acupuncture. My ovaries killed most of the day. 

Wen - IUI went great!! 13 million. They decided since I have an apt June 4th for injectibles that they'll do a beta since that's 13dpo. They really this is our cycle and won't need it but I have the apt either way. I started a 6 week class on Mon and Wen nights. I loved it.

Thur 1dpiui - cramping and sore. I alway wake up feeling so much better day after IUI. Sore bbs had started.

Friday 2dpiui - I just had a headache. I was also really really bloated. As soon as we got on the rd Chris had me take meds and I slept the first six hrs and woke up feeling much better.

Saturday 3dpiui - started progesterone. I had some cramping and really bloated. My bbs have blown up!

Sunday 4dpiui - light cramping, sick after I ate (progesterone). 

That's all I got for now. Enjoying Albuquerque! It's so pretty here! Headed home tomorrow and back to the grind Tuesday. Very thankful for a short week.

The nerve of some people.

I am truly blown away by some people. I was raised to work hard, be kind, pray for others and help them in any way I can. I have worked my butt off since I was 15 years old, really younger baby sitting and mowing lawns. I donate to the food bank and animal shelter monthly. I have been blessed with an ok job as well as my husband. I do have student loans and medical bills but no real debit. The fact that I don't making $100,000 to pay for IVF doesn't mean I don't deserve to be a mother. I picked a loving, amazing, God fearing man to marry and we are infertile. God has blessed me with amazing friends that have donated money but yes I have sold many many things to add to our fund. We don't buy things we can't afford. I would give anyone the shirt off my back and anyone who knows the real me knows this. If I could work three jobs I would but going to school, working, and attending church (I start teaching in Sep) I am left with very little time. Not to add I can't be on my feet to much since I was hurt while in the Army serving our country. I never pull that card but I am the one that raised my hand and vowed to fight for you to the right to say the hateful things you believe.

At first I thought you were just ignorant and I was willing to let your comments go, or even try and educate but now I know you are just hateful.

Why can one donate personally to a friend after they've lost their house in a tornado but you can't donate money to a friend to have a baby. Should my friends that lost their house suck up their bad luck and be told to get another job and deal with insurance and rebuilding yourself? No we should give what we can and help. If my friends and family are blessed and want to help us build our dream of a family then they are amazing people. I have no forced anyone to help me nor do I expect it. My dream is a family and someone elses might be to open a hotel or whatever and you would expect your friends and family to support that. Is it not right for those lucky people who have IVF coverage thru their insurance to use it? They didn't work three jobs for it, they just got lucky.

I know this post will not chance the mind of those that aren't willing to open their minds and not judge others. I live my life the best I can trying to serve God. He and only he has blessed me with good friends and family who support me. That support may be money, a pray, a hug, a dose of HCG, whatever, I am truly blessed! I wish that you knew what feeling blessed was like. I feel sorry for you.

To those that stepped up and had my back and love me thank you. Ya'll are amazing and I love you!!

Just a side note I have donated to those harmed by the tornado. Many are close personal friends. I also opened my home to them. It could have been me and then what? Then you would donate?

CD 12 US

Left
19 and an 11
Right
25, 21, 19, 11

They thought that based on the US that I might have already started to ovulate but I had not. I trigger here every soon which is awesome because my ovaries are killing and then IUI wen!!

Ready to do this!!! My ankle is killing but i'm not complaining because with this horrible tornado many good friends lost everything. Rough day!

What a week

I have had the worst week.

Last wen I started allergy shots. Also came down with a horrible headache, figured it was the progesterone crash as I'd stopped that Monday. I alway get a headache/migraine before AF. AF started Thursday. By Saturday it hadn't gone away but I figured since my progesterone was finally at a normal level that it was just a harder crash and hoped it would be gone by morning. started my clomid that night as well. Sunday came and still a migraine, now it was getting worse. I called and talked to the on call RE to see what she thought and she said it shouldn't be the progesterone crash at this point and that I could take NSAID's until cd12. I thought oh thank goodness ecedrine will knock this out. WRONG! Monday came and I just couldn't deal, I called the allergy doctor to see if it could have been a reaction to the allergy shots i had started (thats what I think it was) they said no so I made an apt with the reg doctor. He gave me some migraine med and ordered a CT of my head. The meds gave me some relief but the longer i took them the less they helped. Oh I forgot Sunday night I ran in the store to get my newspapers (had to have my coupons) and rolled my ankle. I knew it was sore Monday but with such a bad migraine I didn't worry to much about the soreness. By Tuesday I knew something was really wrong with my foot. It was pretty purple. I called and made an apt with my foot doctor. Couldn't see me till Thursday. I saw the chiro Tuesday and hopped acupuncture would help me migraine. It did at the moment and he looked at my foot and said he didn't think it was broken but thought I might have torn something. GREAT! By Wen my migraine was so bad I couldn't work, I had sun glass on at my desk and finally wrapped an icepack to my head. My boss finally told me he understood I wanted to work but I looked like crap and needed to go home or maybe the ER. Since I could barely walk and couldn't see straight I went to the ER. 

They did X-rays and my foot was broken, the did a CT and it was clear. The ER doctor thought it was the allergy shot so that made me feel better. After several tries they got an IV and gave me fluids just in case I was dehydrated. They gave me some really good drugs. I was GONE! I remember saying I'm soooo high over and over, I remember my dad picking me up and taking me to eat but I don't remember talking to anyone, texting, nothing. It was pretty funny reading those texts later. The next morning I had slept thru my alarm and called in. I don't remember calling in but my phone and boss said I did. I was out for a whole day pretty much. The ER also put me on crutches and left it up to the foot doctor I was seeing the next day if I needed an MRI. 

Went to the foot doctor Thursday and he said I tore two ligaments in my ankle and so I'm in a boot for 2-3 weeks. It really hurts. I also forgot how much crutches suck, the boots no fun either.

I still have a headache but it's not anywhere as bad. I'm taking the migraine med still and 800mg ibuprofen. I can't take the good stuff durin the day cause he pretty much knocks me out or makes me straight loopy. 

I went to work today and I felt so foggy all day but somehow I worked my 8. I'm down to one sick day the rest of the year. UGH!

With all this crap going on is it safe to do IUI next week? Did I fry my follicles with all these drugs?

Man I need to sleep....some more. 

13dpiui

Neg test this morning so I'm out. Hubby and I talked it over and have decided well do another 2 cycle just like we decided in the beginning. One more clomid and an injectable. If the doctor is ok with all this. I'm pretty sad and have cried but I'm trying to move on. It's going to take a couple days to regroup but I'm sure it'll take a couple days for my period to start after stopping progesterone.

9dpiui

Trigger is gone. Can't wait till Monday.

I stayed home from work today because i felt so sick. My throat is on fire today. I feel better after this evenings batch of meds so I hope they will kick this things. I have to go to work tomorrow so I hope I can sleep tonight.

I can't tell is anything I'm feeling is the meds or pregnancy. I feel just like I did at 9dpiui last time. That makes me feel kinda good because it did work last time but it's still frustrating since I am on so many meds.

Please let this work! Please let this work!!!

8dpiui

I went to the doctor and I do in fact have bronchitis again. UGH. They gave me a steriod shot to jump start everything and then I start pills tomorrow. He said my breathing was pretty bad which is scary since I only started coughing yesterday. OK is for sure not my friend! Makes me wanna move away, I've never been this sick month after month.

My bbs blew up today. HUGE!!! Oh and at the doctor I've gained 15 lbs since starting treatment. 5 of which is new and the heaviest I've ever been. UGH Can you not gain weight when your pregnant? I'm only 1/2 kidding.

I'm also really really hot. Not all the time but most of the day.

I tested this morning even thought I said I'd wait till tomorrow it was still positive. Come on trigger get out.

I've been nauseous for days so if it's the trigger I'd like a couple days of peace before 9 weeks of this. Yes I am remaining positive. Only a few more days now.

7dpiui

I think I'm getting bronchitis again. UGH I see the doctor tomorrow. I talked to the RE nurse and she said I can take my inhaler but like many things they don't know the full side effects on the baby so I'm trying to take it easy so I don't need it.

I feel pretty crappy. On top of which hubbys flight was so delayed last night that I only got about four of sleep.  Accupunture did help thought. I think here in a bit I'm going to go to bed.

Things are starting to smell funky and diet dr pepper isn't tasting so great either.

I love my RE nurse, when I talked to her today she said she would be looking forward to my good new come Monday. She is 1000% sure I'm pregnant and it makes me feel better! She has her transfer tomorrow and I pray so much that shes pregnant too. She's truly amazing.

5dpiui

Yesterday I got my hair down. The color turned out really red and not brown. Guess any tiny hint of warmth pulls red, they are going to redo it since I got it done at a school. I love love love the cut thought.

I keep trying to add a pic but it's not working GRR.

5dpiui I am sooooo thirsty! Is that normal with progesterone? I don't remember this last time.

3dpiui

I wasn't going to keep track of my symptoms this cycle but after things start I have found myself looking back at my blog from IUI#1 and being so glad I blogged and know whats normal. I've kinda changed my mind clearly.

1dpiui

Oh my word the dog started barking and this horrible sound and I realized oh my word hail on my nice car so I shut the computer and ran outside to move my car under a tree, the hail hurt but I got it under a tree and blocked by a building on the side the hail was coming from. The water was already flooding the parking lot as I ran back so my feet are wet and cold but maybe I saved my newish car from being ruined. UGH

Ok back to my post

1dpiui - slight headache
2dpiui - cramping in the morning but went away with water intake
3dpiui slight cramping like on the sides/back pain. Dinner tasted gross and everybody agreed the crackers used to make the chicken fried steak were old. I however was the only one to throw up. Once before I left my parents and one on the ride home. Is throwing up normal 5 days after 10000U trigger?? (no one else got sick just fyi)

Yesterday I woke up at 4am to take hubby to the airport to see him mom. Well I look at my phone and there is a text from my sister in law from the night before and I open it and it says we have big news to share with a positive pregnancy test. She's 18, still living with her parents during the week and she's still in high school. Yes they got married while she was in high school as they had to be married at least a year before my brother got out of the army to get the extra money. UGH

Well thats all I got. Hope you all are well.

Emotional

Today I was quite emotional. I feel like I somehow have become the black sheep in my family or I'm always going to be 2nd best. It's really annoying in general but even more so when its about babies. There are no grandkids in the family as of yet so when I'm the one trying to get pregnant it's frustrating my mom cares about my siblings future kids and not mine. It's like saying she's givin up on me either having any at all or being the first one to them. (remember my brother got married in May and my sister is getting married in Nov) Anyways I'm trying not to let family get to me but I can't help it when it hurts. I just feel like me or my life/family (chris and I) are not important and thats hurtful.

I had a really bad breakout of hives today at work. That was fun, all over my face and neck to start and it spread all the way down my stomach, legs before I was able to get away and go get something. As soon as I took the meds they were gone in 15 min and itching within 30. That of course made me soooo sleepy so work sucked. I think sleepy was better then itchy, plus I lived and made it home. lol

Hubby is doing ok, thanks for all your comments. His stomach is still bothering him but he's getting a bunch of free samples of the meds the hospital proscribed tomorrow so I'm sure he'll start feeling better then. He's flying out at 6am to see his mom in FL for the weekend. She works for a doctor and thats whos giving him the samples. I wish I was going, it's so cold here (OK) and he'll be in the beach. LUCKY!! Hope I can stay busy and not kill (I mean explode my feelings) all over my family while he's gone.

Getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. I'm so excited! I'll try and post pic tomorrow night. Plus I gotta pick up my progesterone to start that Friday morning! Were doing this!!! Now to stay busy until Tuesday and to get some sleep tonight before my alarm goes off at 4am. Thats gonna be rough!!

IUI Day

This day was insane!!!!

Work is crazy! Went in early so I could leave for 1 1/2 hr to do the IUI.

I went in and didn't have to wait long and they had me back. My fav nurse came in and she busts out with 18 million post wash!!! 18 million!! 5 million more then last time. WOOHOOOOOOOO

We joked and talked like normal and it was over in a flash. She said over and over this is going to work, they are putting you in progesterone and this is going to work! She said she's been on a roll lately and so she knows this is it. I love her!!! I laid there for 15 min and then went to the bathroom and as I walked down the hall Michelle pops out of their room and was jumping around and goes hug me cause I know when I see you next your gonna be pregnant. I asked her how her treatment is going and they are doing IVF and have retrieval soon. I really really hope she gets pregnant because she's such an amazing nurse and I love her.

After IUI back to work and craziness, I got everything done thought. Hubby had been texting me all day that he didn't feel good. I told him to call the doctor and see what he thought. He thought it could be a bad reaction to his meds.

I went to the chiro and as I'm sitting in the waiting room hubby calls and says he talked to the doctor and he told him to go to the ER and get some bloodwork done. He told me to go ahead with my apt and then meet me there. I was torn because thats my baby but it was my IUI acupuncture apt. I decided to stay as it was only 30 mins and hubby hadn't even left work yet. I think it helped as this morning I was really sore and now I'm not.

Met hubby at the hospital they ran bloodwork and gave him some meds but don't know why he's not feel well. He has an apt next week and I'm thinking they will send him to a GI doctor. So really no answers but he feels better with the meds so we'll see.

I'll leave you with I've done everything I can and now it's in God's hands. This is what I plan to live by the next two weeks. I hope I can hold to this.

Cd13/trigger day

I triggered this morning about 630. It was soooo much better then last time. If you need a good laugh just go back to IUI #1 trigger day. I did bleed and I'm sure ill bruse just cause that's me.

I really hope they all grew enough and this works. I'm one of those ppl that takes about 44ish hrs to O after trigger so that'll put me around 2am wed. IUI is tomorrow. Last time I think I O'd about 8pm so I don't think 6 hrs will matter much in sperm living but that's another 6 hrs the follices can grow. One more step and its in Gods hands. I'm going to try and be very zen about it. Someone might need to remind me that in oh say two weeks lol.

Thanks everybody who's stopping by from ICW I can't remember the other letter lol.

cd11

I had my US yesterday and I have five follicles!!

Three 11's
One 10
One 13

IUI is set for Tuesday morning! I'm excited! I'll also have acupuncture that day which I think it's really helping!

Part of me feels like this has to work while the other half of me feels like I'm setting myself up for failure. Last time it was so stressful and I felt so sick the whole time and this time it feels so easy and smooth. I feel like shouldn't it work this time since I'm not stressed when it did work last time when I was stressed but then I think if I feel like that and it doesn't work I'll be crushed.

cd6

I can't believe we are back here. I feel like I've been very numb lately and a bad blogger. One of my good friends delivered her baby just shy of 34 weeks so I've been trying to be as supportive as I can without being over bearing. It really puts things in perspective. It's one thing to not be able to control my body or when well be able to start a family but it's 10 times harder to see your friend not be able to see her kid in the nicu and hear her cry. It kills me. I wonder if it kills anyone to see me in pain. Wait, now I sound selfish.

So far this cycle hasn't been to bad. I haven't had any killer headache like last time. I don't know if I am in a much better head space and work place this time or if going to the chiropractor and getting acupuncture done. Last cycle we got throw the very good but shocking curve ball that we didn't need a donor, the next day later my cycle started and I got moved to a new job in the company and it was just exteremly stressful on top of horrible headaches.

This cycle I feel numb almost. I don't feel like this is happening. I don't know if I'm not into it or protecting myself or what. I hope I start feeling more positive and happy and ready.

I'm trying to work extra tomorrow because I finally get to have all my allergy testing Thursday! Wed I have acupuncture. If I do end up with a headache that should help. Then allergy doctor Thursday and US Friday.

AF is here!!!!

*Happy Dance* Woohoo!!!! Bring on IUI#2

Decisions

I think we have decided to pump the breaks on this whole IVF, clinical trial, egg donor thing and chill out. IUI worked the first time and I'm hoping it'll work this time too. I don't know if were gonna do clomid or famera but either way after this cycle I think I want to move on to injectables. If we have to do IVF well do that in late fall and that will give us time to save.

Now for af to start. I spotted today so hopefully she'll show up in the next day or so.

Scentsy

https://lavalleyb.scentsy.us/Scentsy/Home

Click Jen's fundraiser. Order by April 27th!

Update

Not a ton going on here. Still waiting on my cycle to start. Was really sick today. Can't wait to see the allergy doctor. I'm still trying to fund raise. I got a call from the egg donor people and they have some one interested in my eggs so I'm trying how to come up with the money. UGH why is infertility so expensive?!

cycle and bloom

I have two cycle and bloom IVF/IUI program I'm selling. $50. Let me know! THANKS!!!!

Heres all the info!!

Help the Overbey’s fund IVF/Adoption

All proceeds go toward medical/legal fees.

$50 Restaurant.com gift cards for only $20!!

http://coupaide.com/deal/overbey-adoption-fundraiser/

For Scentsy Orders (http://scentsy.com/products/scentsy-catalog.aspx) get in touch with Jennie directly or email FundIVF@gmail.com

See our live auction page (all items will be uploaded by end of May)

http://auctionfire.com/cgi-bin/allauction.pl?action=search&searchtype=username&searchstring=ousoonerchick&seller=1

Donate Directly 

www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/IVF-Adoption/49223

Hello Family and Friends,

We are excited to share a few opportunities with you that will help us to fundraise for IVF as well as Adoption (whichever opportunity comes up first) as well as benefit those who make a thoughtful contribution in our support.  As you all know, IVF and adoption are very expensive so we have a lot to raise to be able to bring a baby home, so every little bit helps.

In order to alleviate a portion of the cost, we have partnered with Coupaide to jumpstart a fundraising campaign that will give us the chance to reach out to family, friends, friends of friends, and so on.  Coupaide offers $50 Restaurant.com certificates for only $20!  Half of each sale will go towards our adoption, which has the potential to make a great difference in regard to the overall cost.  

A great friend has also set up a scentsy fundraiser for us where a percentage of all orders go toward our IVF/adoption fund. 

We have also set up an auction of items we have purchased and have been donated to raise money.

Last but not last if you aren’t interested in any of the products listed but would still like to help we have set up a direct donation site. Once again very penny helps and brings us closer to our goal of starting a family. 

If you have any questions, comments or would like to know more about our journey please email fundivf@gmail.com

Thanks,

Chris and Jennie 

Waiting

My beta yesterday was 7.5. No more betas! Just waiting for af to start so we can get started. They are going to put me on progesterone this time. We only have a enough money to do this two more times. We've started collecting items for our fund raiser and so far so good. I hope it's a huge success!

Funding

I decided to start a page for IVF donations.  http://www.gofundme.com/2bs1hs 

I want to do some fund raisers as well but I'm not really sure where to start. If you guys have any ideas please let me know. THANKS!!!

Getting there

Yesterday my hcg was 13. I'm bleeding horribly so maybe by next friday it'll be zero.

Slowly

My levels dropped to 47 so they aren't to worried about an ectopic anymore. Hopping to be 0 by my Friday apt. Ready for this roller coaster to be over. The doctor sounded very encouraged that we did get pregnant once and we have a good spot of it working when we try again.

What a day

This morning we were running late, mostly because I was so tired I couldn't drag myself out of bed with the time change. Normally we grab food on the way to church as it's about 30/40 minutes but we were so late we didn't. I was still spotting dark dark blood but only when I wiped. (It got less and less thru out the day and nothing now) We got there fine and church started and I got really hot (it's a pretty cold day here, around 35) I took my jacket off and started feeling really faint, and like I was gonna throw up. I was fanning myself and Chris must have been worried and texted my mom and she made me leave. As soon as we got outside in the cold I felt better but mom being mom made me go back to her house and I ate and felt even better, drank some water and felt a little better. My mom made me call the doctor to make sure I was ok, I guess she was really sick with her ectopic. The doctor called and by then I was feeling so much better. She was very sweet and said she was sorry she had scared me with the ectopic talk but she just wanted me to be informed but that at this stage theres only a 1% or less chance of rupture and that this is called morning sickness and she's so sorry that I have to deal with the bad parts when this may turn out badly, she said she hopes shes wrong and we get good news tomorrow but well just have to wait and see. She said it I start feeling sick and I stay sick then I should worry but this is just morning sickness and I need to eat every few hours so my blood sugar doesn't drop. WHO KNEW! I felt kinda dumb. Tonight everybody was asking if I was ok they said I looked horrible, white as a ghost. OOPS!

Tonight after church Chris and I talked more and more about the adoption party and how much baby or no baby we wanted to adopt. We thought we should write the childs case worker and just put ourselves out there and do the best we could to keep our name in her mind when she goes thru the home studies.

Heres the letter for those that care.

I just want to take a few minutes to say hello and tell you a little about my husband and me. I'm sorry we didn't have a chance to meet you yesterday at the adoption party but we did have time to talk to B and meet T (T T).

We really enjoyed T and are extremely interested in getting to know him more and possibly adopting him if all goes well in the future. 

A little about Chris and I, we have been married for 5 years. I was born in OK, Chris in FL. We met in FL and lived there until about a year ago. I work for Mid.land -- with a very flexible schedule to work around a child's school. Chris works for Cont.inental-- in the accounting department; his is fairly flexible schedule as well perfect for school drop offs. We have tried for to have a child since we got married and have been unable to conceive. The longer we go without a child the more and more we just want to be parents. After meeting T it's even more important for it to be a child that needs us as much as we need/want them. 

I think we would be a good fit for him because Chris also grew up lacking male role models to help shape his life. Chris would make a wonderful father, to T, because he gets the importance of a having a father in his life and how that promotes a more stable childhood. We were told he needs a good strong male roll model. We have become a good team over the years and Chris has always had my back which I know is important when raising children. Chris wants nothing more then to be the father that he never had in his life.  I think I would make a good mother to him because I can be understand that this is a difficult transition on him. I also understand that he needs dad and I'm ok with stepping back from time and letting Chris take him out to play baseball and have that one on one time. I think I'm a good listener, nurturer and want nothing more then to love a child. Also, I would be a dedicated mother; putting T's priorities first. I would love nothing more then to help raise him to be a good man, whether thats doing homework, being the loudest mom in the stands as he plays sports or being a shoulder to cry on. 

We also have a two bedroom apartment with a room we had originally decorated for an infant, but could easily be made over for his comfort as it has a full size bed and dresser. We are also looking for a house with a yard to run around and play sports in. We don't have any other children at this time and would have a lot of time to spend doing homework, playing sports, and helping him grow. 

We are very open to helping him keep in touch with his sisters and grandparents as we know how important family is. My parents live in Mustang so any child we adopt will have grandparents and an aunt around. 

I know that we may not be picked but I just wanted to do everything in my power to let you know who we are and what we want. I know that your job is extremely difficult and I hope and pray T finds the best parents a child deserves. I know if we are lucky enough to be picked we'll do everything in our power to be those parents.

Thank you for you time.

Jennie and Chris 

Adoption party

Everybody wanted to know all about the adoption party so here goes. They do it about every four months. They try and get as many kids up for adoption together and throw a party pretty much. This one was a carnival. There was food, games, face painting, everything. You get there before the kids and look thru the adopt book with info on the kids and any problems they have. If you are interested in any of them you can talk to their case worker and learn a little more about them. Then you can meet the kids. We had talked a head of time about thinking about older kids. 4-8 instead of being stuck on baby baby baby. The more we go thru this infertility stuff the more I just want to be a mom.

We met all the kids on our list and were told it's better to pick two to three so you have a better chance of getting the kid you really want then one that you didn't met or that you liked so so. We signed up for a little boy 9 years old. That kinda freaks me out but he was so sweet and you can tell he feels unwanted and it just breaks your heart. Chris just loved him and they bonded. Then we also put down a sibling group of a 4 yr old girl, 5 yr old boy and 7 yr old girl. They were SOOO cute. They were i don't know how to say little, like short and looked younger then there age. Kinda reminded me of my nieces. I just feel in love. I know theres a good chance we wont be picked for either and well keep waiting but it was a good experience. I can understand why they do it. You meet kids outside your age range and you talk to them and fall in love and pick kids that you might not have picked if you hadn't met them.

Update on me, just spotting brown but nothing bad. Had slight cramping in the am but I think it's just growing pains. I'm trying to just hang in till Monday and hopefully they can tell me whats going on. I'm really over all the fertility crap. I just want to be a mom!

The plan

I called and talked to the nurse who talked to the doctor and called me back as I'm a little worried and well my mom is stressing me out since we had two ectopics.

Nurse called me back, only a 1% of rupture. They need the full lab which isn't open tomorrow so Monday it is. They'll do an US also. 

I really don't know how to feel about it. From all my research online it could be a normal pregnancy but thats extremely unlikely. I'm just trying to make up any syptoms and just roll with things till Monday. This really sucks. I'd be beyond pissed if I post a tube. We have the adoption party tomorrow so hopefully that will keep me from thinking about things to much. I don't know to much about it or what to expect so I'll have to update you afterwards. 

When it rains it pours

Doctor called me, remember they only call with bad news. My hcg went from 36 to 97. WHAT?!

She is worried it's an ectopic. I go in Monday for a full blood panel. Chem panel, metabolic panel, hcg and prog. This sucks.

I am grateful I tested and I know because it would be horrible to lose a tube or end up in the hospital.

Waiting

I feel like thats all we do as infertiles. I haven't started bleeding yet. I have more blood work tomorrow and then my RH - shot once I start bleeding. I want nothing more then to just get started on IUI 2. I haven't talked to the doctor yet but I'm hoping he'll let me add progesterone after IUI next cycle. I still don't know if I should do clomid again or ask for femara. Clomid worked but oh the headache.

Is it bad that I think maybe next time it'll be perfect, maybe well get twins as like a make up or something. I feel kinda bad being relieved this is over. I just felt it was bad from the beginning. I tried my best and did everything I could to make this pregnancy work but it just wasn't in the card. Man I want it to be my turn. Lord please bless us, PLEASE!

We are going to the dhs adoption party on Saturday. I know there won't be any babies there but maybe it'll help my faith.

Answer

Chemical pregnancy. I really have no words. Part of me is relieved and part of me is sad. Lets just pray my numbers get to zero fast so we can do IUI this month and not have to wait a cycle. I don't know if I should do clomid again. It worked but the headache and I mean it failed in the end. If I hadn't been pregnant at all I would have pushed for injectibles, should I still do that?

16dpiui

Beta 31.8
Prog 11

Doubling time of 80 hrs. UGH

The nurse said the least it can double is 50% which it did so they are still ok but low. UGH I go in Tuesday for another test. This sucks. Please somebody tell me a story like mine that ended well!

Trying to catch up

Ok so yesterday I was bleeding every time I went to the bathroom, like somebody was poring a cup of water out but then nothing on the pad, today a bit less and this afternoon just spotting. Since I took the p4 it's spotting even less. I got my levels at 2 and I thought and thought about what he said and I was really annoyed that he didn't get me the meds. I do like that he is straight forward and tells me if he thinks this is viable or not but at the same time he told me it was 50/50 and he has seen women with a number low like mine go on to have healthy babies so I don't know why he wouldn't give me a chance. After ya'll and talking to the girls on my fb group I maned up so to speak and called. I talked to the nurse and I said I understand he is doubtful but I would feel better if I could start the meds now and at least give this pregnancy a shot. I know it could still go bad but even at worst my hcg is crap and I have to stop the meds but at least I tried. She put me on hold, the doctor said yes but just remember this may or may not work so just keep a level head till Friday. I respect he's trying to keep me from being to hopeful but ya know.

I'm scared that I'll still lose this baby but I'm even more scared not to try. I know that God is in control and things will be ok. Like I said silver lining we did get pregnant.

Any stores of low betas that turned out well???

Oh heres my test from this morning. Top and left is today, right is yesterday. The cheapies top to bottom, 2, 4, 5, 7,8, 10, 12 (night), 13 (two morning, one night) bottoms is today.

Crap!

The doctor called (he only calls with bad news) beta 21.7 and progesterone 3.56 he said he's not sure if this is a viable pregnancy. He won't give me progesterone until Friday if my beta doubles. What the crap?!

Edit!

Stop freaking out! I called back and he called it in. More when I get home!!

Clueless

Still bleeding but only when I go to the bathroom. Tested again and the test is much darker then yesterday. I wish I could post a pic but can't from my phone. I had my beta this morning and the nurse didn't sound worried. Well see. Ill also have a repeat beta Friday. Ugh this sucks!!

Rough Day

After all the keep your head up your not out yesterday I thought I'll show them I know my body and so I took a test and low and behold it was POSITIVE. Super super fain but there. I was shocked! I test again this morning and it was darker on the frer but not the cheapie. Again shocked even more. This is happening! Still light but you could see it. Then two hours I started bleeding. It sucked!!! It's not on the pad just when I wipe but it's a lot when I wipe. The doctor said come in tomorrow for hcg and progesterone. I've been in bed since I got home from work and trying not to freak out. I feel deep down this is over but I'm trying not to be neg. I took another cheapie when I got home and it's the same or a touch lighter then this morning. UGH

I am trying to tell myself there are a number of reasons I could be bleeding but deep down I feel like this is over. On the silver lining if this is over then at least we know it worked and next time they'll put me on progesterone.

I just feel crappy in limbo. My husband is not handling this well and I feel horrible.

11-12dpiui

I said I was gonna test this morning but I didn't. I'm not sure if I'm scared or doubtful or what. Part of me feels like I'm out and af is coming then the other part of me doesn't feel like normal pre af. I'm not sure!

I'm still hot, tired, sweet tea tastes gross. I'm really sad about that one but after like five of them I think I'm giving up. I don't want anything to do with food. Well any real food (I can eat totsie rolls here and there) this is the only really thing that gives me hope because Im always eating like a pig right about now. I normally stuff my face te five days leading up to af and then slow way down when she's here. The bloating however is gone today. Yesterday my pants were tight but today I feel ok.

I don't know if ill test tomorrow or just wait and see if I start spotting or get my normal pre af headache. Ugh

EDIT

I'm spotting so I'm 99% I'm out. I always spot a couple days before af.

10dpiui

I'm feeling kinda down today. I know it's still early but I just feel like I'm going to fail once again. I just keep thinking I can't do this again. I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't know that my body can handle this again and again and again. I sat in the car today and thought I know God has a plan but I'm so scared it's not the same as mine. I know this plan his always better but it's scary to let go of the control.

I'm still hoping it will work. I may have stollen this from Overworked but it's exactly how I feel.

I'm still cramping and now sweet tea tastes funky. I hope I've just gotten a couple of bad teas cause I love that stuff but then again I'm kinda hopping it's a sign. Yes before you flip out I'm still drinking caffeine. I've cut back from 10 sodas/tea a day to no more then 3. That does put me under the allowed amount for a pregnant person. I still wanna cut back some more but I' not going to do that until i know I'm pregnant. 

PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!!!!!!

7-9 dpiui

7 - I had a lot of cramping. This is not normal for me.

8 - more cramping but not as bad as the day before. Back pain. Also I don't wanna call it pain down there but something, kinda like af is coming. Also I'm so tried! Dinner smelled horrible when Chris was cooking but then tasted awesome.

9 - today just my boobs are HUGE and they hurt. They always hurt between O and af but they normally aren't so big my bra/shirt doesn't fit. Stil feeling something in my UT (uterus) like something is trying to stretch pizza dough or something. I'm really hot! Normally I wear my jacket all day at work but I haven't been able to since 6 dpiui. This isn't normal! I did have that when I was pregnant last night though.

I really hope that my head isn't making me feel like this because I want it so badly. I'm trying to hold out till Monday (12dpiui) to test but its so hard!

Birthday

I hate this day. It's just a reminder that I'm another year older and still don't have a baby, no family. The realization that my younger brother and sister (twins) have a very good chance of having kids before me. My brothers getting married in July and wants kids right away. My sister is looking at engagement rings. I was suppose to have flower girls and ring bears for their wedding by now. It sucks. To see the rings my sister is looking at and to know that both of them make more money then us and I think when I was her age I was already doing fertility treatments. We have no money because everything goes toward a baby. I don't remember the last time we had a vacation just us that was more then 2 days. Sorry I'm so bitter. I really hate my birthday!!

I kinda feel dumb since this is the closest I've ever been to a baby. God please please with everything in me please bless us!

Oh progesteone was 20.8 nurse sounded happy.

6dpiui

There has been a lot of drama today but we've moved on. It's sad somebody I thought was my friend clearly isn't and just went above and beyond. I've moved on because I have God, an amazing husband and good friends. It's all good!

Today I woke up with pain in my low back. I don't know if thats a possible symptom or maybe I just twisted it or something. It's never hurt like this before so I don't know. I'm still slightly bloated but not as horrible as before. My bbs hurt SOO bad but like I've said before thats normal for me. One thing I know for sure is I've been trying to drink one cup a day of grape juice (I read it helps with implantation) but it takes weird and smells like wine. Never had this problem before, so weird.

I'm going in tomorrow morning to have my progesterone checked. I think it's fine but they just wanna make sure it's high enough if I do get pregnant to stay pregnant.

Thats all I got for now. Off to bed, I'm so tried!

Family

First I want to start by saying that I love love my family. For the more part they are supportive. They say dumb things and they don't get it but they want us to have babies and they know we have problems.

With all that said there are couple things that really just get to me. One I was reading a lovely ladies blog http://oldladynobaby.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-letter.html about how her sister donated her eggs to her and it just made me so sad because I know that my sister would never do that let alone try to be a surrogate. Not that I need either one of those (that I know of, thats scary) but it's just sad. I would do anything for her and I know we haven't always been extremely close it really hurts that she wouldn't do that for me.

Then you have my brother and you all know he's getting married in July. He finally gave her the ring today. He had to wait till she turned 18 last week. Yes she's 18! He's 22 so they aren't that far apart. I swear if I hear someone (them or parents) say they plan on getting pregnant right away I'll scream. 18 years old and want to get pregnant as soon as they get married and knowing my luck they will makes me wanna scream and cry. I know thats not fair but it's how I feel.

Not to add my mother in law thinks we shouldn't do treatment at all because what is meant to be will be. My mother telling me to be happy for other people I just wanna scream.

Now you know why I just keep treatment to myself. I just can't deal with the comments or judgement. I love them but sometimes just to much. I really really hope this works. I need this to work! I have never prayed so hard in my life. I'm so scared what will happen if this fails. I feel like I will 1000% fall apart.

3dpiui

Just chugging along here. I have a three day weekend so I'm trying to stay busy. I've cleaned our bedroom and put away about 6 loads of laundry. Also went to lunch with hubby!

I'm still bloated, slight cramping when I woke up. That went away once I drank a couple glasses of water. I do have a mild headache which I never have during the tww so I'm hopping thats a good sign. Remember I'm not on progesterone so it's not that. My bbs are pretty big and sore. That is normal for me.

I'm sorry that I'm being so boring. I just want to remember this one if I am pregnant and two if I'm not then I'll know what is and isn't a sign next cycle. Man I hate this! I'm not this person that looks at everything and thinks is this because I'm pregnant? Did it work? UGH!

Now after talking to Chris yesterday I can't help but wonder did the egg fertilize? If it did then it should be nearing the end of this fallopian tube journey. My question is what does it do for those 3-7 days until it implants? Just bounce around in there?

Love my man

Just thought I'd share some cute things my husband has said about this cycle.

First we couldn't do our vday yesterday because I had a wedding showering to go to. It was suppose to be on Tuesday but it got snowed out. Anyways we didn't really even plan anything for tonight but he came home with flowers and surprised me. It made my week!

Then as we sat and talked about our day he starts talking about our possible pregnancy. He brought it up, I didn't even start it this time!

He busts out with I'm already over this waiting, isn't there some way we can find out before two weeks if were pregnant. I said sadly no. He goes why not so I explain how the embro grows and that he doesn't implant until 6-10 dpo. He goes so we don't even know if it fertilized? How do we find out if it did? I said we can't, we just have to wait and see if it did and then implanted. He's like I really want this to work, I feel so good about it. I just want to know now. Ya know I'm going to go to all the doctors apts with you. I said well you don't have to go to the boring ones like just measuring me and stuff but I do want you at all the U/S and the ones with the RE's office till I graduate. He was like graduate? I said yeah once you've had a few U/S and stuff with the RE they send you to an OB, he was like we have to find an OB. lol I said yeah, ya know normal people don't get all these U/S and betas like infertiles right. He was like at least were getting something out of this deal.

I just love him, he makes me laugh and keeps me positive. He's so laid back and chill it's nice to see him so excited. I really hope this is it!!

2dpiui

Is it really only 2 days? Ugh these two weeks are gonna drag! At least we know once I'm outta work today it'll be Tuesday fast because that's how the weekend goes.

I'm still really bloated. I went a got a pair of jeans and work pants that are a size bigger, I figured either ill be doing IUI month after month for awhile so ill be bloated or ill be pregnant. They are still snug. Guess I should have tried them on. I've started testing out the trigger. Can I just say its extremely weird seeing a positive test, even a fake one!

I hope everyone else is doing well! Thank you guys so much for keeping me positive. This is hard an I couldn't so it without your daily encouragement.

1dpiui

I feel like my body lied to me. I woke up this morning feeling south better. I was still bloated but the pain was gone, I could tell I had ovulated for sure.  I just felt better but not 100%. However as the day has wore on the bloat has gotten bad. All I've had is water and its not helping. I'm really hurting. Is this normal?

I've never prayed so hard in my life. God please let this work!!

I'm trying to stay busy. Work is crazy and I have a wedding shower tonight.

IUI

IUI is done!

38 million prewash which is wayyy better then the SA. 13 million post!! The nurse said that's awesome! I'm really excited and hopefully. Well see in two weeks.

Something funny we are sitting at lunch talking about my brother and my mom was like you just him to what you want now so you don't have to keep the secret you can't keep secrets. All the while I just had an IUI and didn't tell them. I couldn't help but giggle inside.

Cd13

I'm so ready to have the IUI!!! I'm so sick of being bloated and consapated. I'm just in pain. I really don't know how any of yall do IVF and get more then 20 eggs. I took something to help with the bathroom stuff and I think it's finally starting to kick in and it's helping. This morning I felt like I was going to throw up but I think that's starting to pass as well. I am really tired thought. Maybe from tossing and turning the last few nights. I was suppose to go to a weddig shower tonight but it it canceled due to snow. I'm so happy.

I just really hope this works! I don't know how many times I can do this to by body. Did I add that my fat pants are snug today. They were loose at the start of this cycle.

Trigger drama

That hurt so bad!!!

I tried to be brave and do it myself and I stuck myself but just enough to make me bleed and not get the needle in. UGH it was just a prick so I had hubby come over and he sticks it in and it wasn't bad at all and then before pushing the med in he drops the needle. DROPS THE NEEDLE! Then I start really bleeding. We change the needle and i tell him just do it and get it over with. Keep in mind I'm pinching further over this time so it's not where i'm bleeding and door knob sticks right where I'm bleeding. I was  freaking out cause it hurt like ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. He can't push the meds in so I do that and pull it out and it's just bleeding everywhere. Really bleeding, so hubby nicely cleans it up and puts a bandaid on it. It hurts so bad and I'm sure I'm gonna bruise. I asked why he stuck the place that was bleeding and he goes I figured itd go in easier cause there was already a hole there. WHAT? Then he says plus you didn't tell me not to. Sorry I figured whipping a new spot and moving the pinch over was a clue. It's all good thought cause it's over and I sure couldn't do it myself so ya know. Love that man!!

Bring on IUI!

Just to let everybody know how amazing my husband is even though he did drop the needle earlier tonight I caught him youtubing videos on how to give your wife a trigger shot and how the IUI works. It was so cute he really does care even though sometimes I think he tries to hide it. I love him so much, I couldn't do this without him.

Email from nurse

 Asked the nurse to email me the follicle sizes and she did. I was alittle off. Left 9, 17, 16, 19. Right 18, 23, 15.

I guess he only counts the mature as the 18 and over but don't y'all think the other three will catch up by wed? It'll be more then 48 hrs from US to IUI? 6 wow that'd be crazy. No wonder I'm so sore and bloated!! I'm really excited!!!

Cd12 U/S

3 mature follicles!!! If I remember right (they are going to email me the numbers) was 21 and 24 on the right. Also a 14 that might catch up. Then a 17 on the left. Crazy since my left sides been hurting the most. I also had 8-10 each on both sides under 10. Lining was 8. That's good right?

Trigger tonight and IUI Wednesday! I'm so ready!!! Please work!!

Waiting on my blood work for the 100% go ahead. Won't hear back till 4ish though.


~~~Edit~~~

Bloodwork is perfect and were set for Wednesday!!!

Cd11

I'm haning in there. I'm still emotional but so so much better. My ovaries are starting to feel sore. I'm hopping that will mean good numbers tomorrow. My US is at 730 tomorrow morning. I'm so bloated and I feel like I have to pee every 40 minutes. I pee a lot as is but I feel like I'm so bloated and sore that everything is just swollen and killin my bladder. Is this normal?

I'm really hopping for 4 mature eggs tomorrow. I know some may think that's a lot but with very low morphology level and how bad the sperm count in general was on the SA that means post wash would only be 1.3million which is barely enough to do IUI. I'm just ready to know. All this waiting sucks!! Please God with everything I have in me please let this work! PLEASE!!

Balance

I'm not sure if its healthy to consider your self balanced by having just as much hope as fear. Somedays it makes me feel bipolar.

 I have an angel of hope on one shoulder saying this has worked first shot for other people so its going to work for you. Maybe you'll be the lucky one that gets twins. I find myself dreaming of what cute maternity dress ill get to wear to my brothers wedding in July. E even going so far as looking some up online.

On the other shoulder is a scared bitter angry devil telling me it will never work and I should just start getting use to the idea of living child free. This thought makes me sad and then there are days where I think maybe I'd be ok with that. Doing what I wanted when I wanted. Traveling with the hubby. These thoughts make me wonder am I losing the fight at 26? Then I think of the room of baby stuff I have and know I can't gcw it away and I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Is is healthy to have such extreme thoughts everyday?

I guess this shows how scared I am. I'm scared I put my body thru the ringer and I won't get anything for it. I'm scared ill get pregnant and lose another baby. I'm scared I won't ever be able to enjoy bein pregnant if I ever get there. Or even worse I fear ill be too overjoyed after the fight we've had. Could I become that annoying and insensitive pregnant women? I hope not. Then again how unfair is it that because of this battle ill never be able to post pics of my belly and be happy with out thinkin of the pain that picture might be causing someone else.

Clearly I'm losing it so ill stop.

On a side note my headache is pretty dull today so I think I'm on the men's. I already talked to the doctor and if this cycle fails then ill be on femara next month. Man I hope there's no next month.

Never again

I am writing this post I remind myself I will never do clomid again. It doesn't matter that it could give me for eggs or a higher chance of twins. I have the worst headache ever. I've cried more than once at work. I can not so this. Why am I doin this to myself? I know a baby will be all worth it in the end but right now the end is very far away and this tunnel is super dark.

Half of me feels like this is going to work and the over other half feels like I'm never going to get a baby. Please someone just kill me now! My head is king to kill me and it won't matter. Oh my word.

Sorry for the ranty post.

Results

The doctor just called and I was a little taken a back that it was him as I've heard if he calls it was bad news. I thought oh no my tests were bad. Nope normal. Then he said he gotta hubbys SA came back. Morphology 2%!!!!!!! We are a go for IUI!! The bad news is his count came back 9.8million. Last year it was 48million so he thinks it was a bad sample since hubby didn't want to do it that day and was at the end of this overtime. They check the day of IUI as most know so we'll know for sure if it was a fluke or not. It he does have a low count now then well go see a urologist.

Oh I asked about the headaches and he said we won't do clomid again if this doesn't work.

I'm pretty freakin happy thought!!!!!!

Thoughts? Can his count really drop 40 million like that?

Here we go

CD1 I have never been so happy to see that red witch EVER! I start clomid Saturday and my US is Feb 11th. Hubbys SA is tomorrow and hopefully well know next Friday what the number is if not it should be in by my US. I'm really hopeful that hubbys number will rock and we can do this thing. This will be the first clean SA he's ever had so thats why I think he'll pass (at least for IUI).

I'm so excited and scared and I'm just ready to do this. I am really really hopeful and yet I know we may have to do several rounds of IUI. At least now that we aren't using donor (I hope) we can afford 4-6 rounds of IUI. Please give us a baby!!!

Also hubby had an interview today for a really AWESOME job so I'm praying he gets it!!!

Alright people bring on the crazy clomid monster!! Just remind

CD5 of IUI

I thought about putting IUI#1 but I'm not putting that negativity out there. I'm trying to stay really positive. Thats hard to do with clomid running thru my vains. I've had a few emotional moments but being in a new department at work and really really busy is helping a lot.

I'm taking the clomid at night and I think that helps a lot. I've only had one major headache, and a dull one today. If thats all I have then I think I'll be ok. This is just so hard. I want it to work so badly and it stings so badly when you log on fac.ebook and see a 21 year old pregnant with baby #2. I'll make it thru and I'll get my baby.  I am strong enough and I can do this!!

I'm just trying to focus on Friday and hopefully getting good SA results and Monday for a lots of eggs, just not to many.

No words

I have no words. I'm blown away right now!!!

First I really really liked my new doctor. He was awesome. He went over all my history and he did drop a pretty huge bomb on me. He said he doesn't know that the HBA test (sperm penetration test) isn't right. He said that test is really old and he hasn't seen it done in years. That explains by all the nurses I've talked to don't know what it is. He said that hubbys morphology is low and that is what he's more worried about. 4 and above is normal and hubbys is .5. Hubbys test was a 3 in 2010 and the thinking the .5 could be wrong as hubby didn't feel good the day he had the test done. The doctor said that in his experience a level between 1-4  pregnancy rates were the same with IUI as above 4 it's when it's under 1 that pregnancy rates are pretty much nothing. He wants hubby to do the SA on Friday morning and for us to IUI with his sperm. MY HUSBANDS SPERM!!! I'm blown away. I can my husbands baby. There are no words.

Hubby is pissed he's got to do the SA again and if it's crappy then we can always go back to using a donor but as of right now we have a shot of our own baby. The doctor said that he's even willing to do IUI with his level as low as .5.

Plan is to do clomid as he thinks it's better at giving you more eggs, it I don't have 3-4 eggs then we will move on the femara then follstim. I should start af anydays and well get rollin. I just hope and pray hubbys number is over 1!!!!! I don't want to get excited as with IUI we only have an 8-10% and about 40/50% over 4 cycles but things are looking better. I'm just shocked!!!!!

Jelly

That's what I call jealousy when I'm trying to play it down. Man I swear Somedays it just comes out of nowhere. Normally I can be happy for everybody else without beig to sad for myself and other days (I think it's when I'm pmsing or on af tht it happens most) I wanna punch someone.

I know other people are older than me, I know other people have an equally hard time if not harder than me but sometimes even when an infertile gets pregnant it stings. I'm so happy for all of you when you finally get pregnant or for those who lose babies get futher along. Somedays I wanna cry. I'm younger then most and I've trying longer then most and I feel like when is it my turn?

Now I'm crying because I feel so ashamed! I should be happy for more babies, no matter how they are made. I should be greatful I'm pmsing so we can start iuI. I should be happy we get to do iUI. I'm just so jelly! I just want to be a mom.

I feel like a liar!

Co-worker: why are you leaving early Wednesday?
Me: I have to go meet somebody.

I feel like I'm lying. I can't say I have a doctors apt because then my mom (who works a floor down from me)  will ask why.

How do you go to all your monitoring apts without people knowing what's up?

Few days to go

My RE apt with the new doctor here in OK is on Wen. I am so excited. Hubby told me that as long as we have the money set aside he is 100% on board with IUI. I have almost all of it so I'm not worried, of course hubby is worried it's not enough. He's scared it won't work after we spend the money. I kinda feel like he thinks its not gonna work and I'm just throwing away more money on fertility treatments. I on the other hand think we have a good chance of it working even if we have to do it twice.

I found out that our insurance will cover all the testing and diagnostic so we plan on having the doctor rerun my blood work since it's been a few years just to check. I really want them to retest hubby. I do not think it's going to change much as it's extremely low. Remember 80% and above is normal and his HBA level was 11%. Maybe if it was like 60 or something but 11 yeah I don't have much hope. I'm ok with this as it's been almost a year and we have come to terms with it. I think having the test done again will confirm it and hubby won't have any doubt that it was a mistake or he was sick or anything.

I'm just pumped for my appointment. I have read everything I can read on IUI. So much so that I am now dreaming about reading blogs and forums. I just have so many questions about what the success rates are and what meds well use. I just want my appointment here so I have answers. Also that will be a few days closer to AF starting! (it's due next weekend)

OHH update on the wedding. I researched for a couple hours this afternoon and I found a must closer hotel (within a mile or two from my brothers new apartment but still 30/40 minutes from the wedding site). Everybody oked it so I hope I don't hear anything else about it. Overall it's about $140 more for the week but my parents said they were planning on paying for the whole rental car which I had planned on paying half of so over all thats saving us $80. My mom said was sorry she hurt my feels by saying I didnt have to come. She said I just did want you to feel pressure to come if you didn't think you had the money or you needed to spend it on something else. I said it just made me feel like youd rather me not come then stay alittle futher away so we can afford it. She said she didn't mean it like that and she was sorry. I think were all good now.

Thats all for now.. Can't wait to update ya'll on my appointment!!!

Some days I hate myself

I feel the closer we get to my new RE apt the more questions I have. I think we are leaning more and more toward going ahead with DIUI.

Last night I was confirmed in my fear/decission to keep using a donor a secret. People keep asking to throw me a baby shower. Now I think this is nice and makes me feel loved and that people are on board with us adopting. However,  I feel like one we don't have a baby and two we still have a lot of doors still open to us. They wouldn't let it go so I finally swore them to secretecy and told them we were still thinking about doing treatment. They thought we should. They asked questions about what we could do and so I explained donor sperm and IVF. This is when my fear was brought to light, I could never do donor sperm, that's like carrying someone else's baby blah blah blah. It just shows that this is so personal and unless youre in it you really have no say or understanding. Part of me hates myself for even telling them we were thinking about treatment. It's like at the same time when you've let the world know your infertile there is bound to be a question as to how are you pregnant once it happens. Did you her that positivity? I'm trying!

I told the hubs I was mad that I let them get to me and he said it is what it is and who cares what anybody thinks its going to be our baby when we do donor sperm. He's never once said when we do it. I feel like its actually happening. I told him later I was kinda bummed he couldnt come to my apt with me. I hadn't ever planned on him coming and then he lost his job and I was somewhat hopping maybe he'd get to come but now he'll be working which is better but ya know. He was so sweet and was like when is it. I said next wen and he goes oh I was hopping it was sooner. I feel like we've made a break thru people!!! This might actually be happening!

A few questions since my mind is working overtime this week.

If your mom had fertility twins am I more likely too? I've had one doctor say yes another no. Thoughts?

How long can you travel/fly when pregnant with one/two babies? Like at what week should you stop?

How many of you need to lose weight? I'm having such a hard time with this.

How many are open with friends or family about treatment?

I feel like I had a ton more questions last night but now I can't remember.

Money

First I wanna say I'm blogging from my phone which I hate because I seem to always miss words. If that's the case I'm sorry but here goes.

My little brother is getting married in July in WA. I live in OK. I've been planning on attending for months. Planned on buying plane tickets wih tax return and save the rest for school an IUI. My brother is very much like me, always has a plan, ready to go months ahead of time. He was all pumped when I talked to him in AUG about hotels. After working for Hilton for so long I know the earlier you hold a room te better the price so I got on that in Aug as to save as much as possible. I researched everything within 30miles. Talked to my brother a million times before booking. No one other than my brother and I are planners so if I'd let it up to them no one would have even thought about it till June. My brother approved the location an so I booked every ones rooms. Great deal! Like $55 a night. Now it like $80 for the same hotel. I'm sure some of you are thinking $80s still good. It is, but when your trying to save money and its in the middle of no where it's only so so. All the rest I've seen are well bet $100. Plus we're staying a week. Then you have to add a rental car, eating out. You get the idea it adds up fast.

Sunday my mom asks me about the hotel because my sisters boyfriend now wants to come so we need another room. I tell her what we have and add another room and confirm ours. Then yesterday she busts out with your brother says that hotel is to ft away and we have to change it. To a town ten minutes closer. I'm sorry what. I've looked for other hotels. Sure there are some but way more money. I looked Sunday just to see when I added the extra room and it was cheaper to add an extra room then try to find a suite hotel with two rooms. I'm so annoyed because why is ten minutes worth $300? I don't understand, plus he approved this hotel before booking. I've been planning on spending X amount of money for 6 months and now you wanna change it?!

I feel like I'm being a brat. I'm my the only one in this family. They don't know we want to do IUI. They do know about hubby's job stuff and they know I dropped my classes to save money. We are ok but money is really right. We do want to do IUi now because we are sick f being derailed. I'm just annoyed because they don't care that we want a baby an that costs money, they don't even care enought that I did all the research for hotels. It just hurts my feelings.

Am I being a baby? This isn't my wedding.

This and that

I am feeling so much better! Not 100% but better. Im still coughing but I don't feel like sleeping on the bathroom floor at work so I think thats a plus.

No word from the adoption agent. We are just chugging along. DH was offered a temp job. It should last at least a month. It's not the job he wants but it will be a filler while he's looking for a better one. It makes me feel better to know he'll have something and we won't be jobless.

I got an infant car seat last week. It's the one I wanted and it's got three years before it expires. Makes me feel better because then at least if we get a baby I'll have a seat. I really want a convertible one as well. I'm all about a deal and it kills me to think about buying one at the last minute because we get a call about a baby (foster or not). I just haven't brought myself to do it though, I just want to put what we can toward IUI/school.

DH and I have been talking about if we should move forward with IUI or not. We have decided to keep my apt on the 30th. The insurance lady called and they will cover all the testing just not treatment. We talked it over and think it's a good idea to redo all the blood work, SA, HBA and at least get a better game plan. Then we can decide on if we can afford IUI this month or the following. I don't foresee anything being off with me (i hope that hasn't changed) but it would be nice to retest DH and make sure they've run all the test avil to both of us.

Here are a few pic of the car seat. I'm only slightly excited to add one more thing to my I have list.

Phone call w/adoption case worker

Update on my health. Still sick! I feel extremely run down today. I'm really worried they are going to send me to a specialist because I am still sick and this is day....I don't even know. I think 7 of 10. UGH NOOOO This is bad you guys!!

Ok Friday I called a few day cares just to see how the whole temp foster care thing works with day care. I just kept thinking what if we get a kid on Friday night and I have to work at 630 Monday morning. The first guy kinda acted like I was dumb and how can he answer my questions if I don't know when or the age. The next one I called was a lot nicer and did temp care herself. She said it can be stressful but dhs is very helpful and there are a lot of day cares so you can normally find one you just might have to change from week to week if it's temp. 

I talked the case worker and she told me something similar. That we are kinda doing dhs a favor and they aren't going to just drop off the kid and not call or help until they find a foster family. That made me feel better, she understands we have to work. 

I asked her what happens if Chris doesn't have his job and she said we fill out a new financial form and thats it. They won't take us off the list or anything. I told her that it's not like we can go to long with only one income so I don't see it lasting long if it happens. (yes I'm horrible I haven't told her he got laid off) 

I told her we are willing to do the emergency foster care and we wanted to move forward with a low risk placement. She said that he thought that was our best bet for a baby even thought they don't get a lot of placements. She said it happens in waves, three in one week then none for awhile and so on. 

I feel like we are getting somewhere. I know that we may not get a call for awhile or it could be tomorrow. Thats not scary at ALL! 

More to come on where IUI stands and the job hunt...

Figuring things out

Before I go back to Thursday after our appointment I'll just say it is day 6 of the meds and I think I am finally finally starting to feel better. Still coughing but I am feeling better. I just hope I can kick this 100% before I run out of meds.

Back to Thursday after our apt with the adoption case worker. With DH losing his job it was kinda hard to focus on anything but looking for a job. He had just got this old computer up and running with all of this old stuff from school he had. He spent all night updating his resume and putting together his portfolio. As excited as I was that he was excited to have it up and running and filling out applications the day and meeting was weighing on my mind and lets me honest babies always are.  Plus I couldn't stop thinking what happens to the adoption if hubby doesn't get a job quick.

Finally he came to bed and we got a few minutes to talk and have a real heart to heart. I asked DH what he thought about the low risk placement. He said he was just worried about my heart and how I would handle it if we got a baby and they were takin away. I told him that I understood that but that low risk placement meant that we would have a much much better chance of getting a baby. He said if I was ok with that then he was too. We talked about doing emergency foster care and how that might be a good way to kinda ease into being parents without jumping all in all at once. This brought on a whole new topic of day care and how we would handle that. Will they take a temp placement? New questions. How soon can you get a baby, what do we need to have ready just in case. What about DH job, what about money?

I decided I needed to call the case worker and some day cares and get answers. There were just so many new things happening all at once. Plus I felt like everything was falling apart at the same time. What were we gonna do about money, what if we got a baby before a job.

More on my phone call with the adoption case worker soon.

Sickness and adoption meeting

I started feeling sick on Tuesday, I was on antibiotics the week before so I was extremely frustrated. By Wen morning I had a 101.6 fever. GREAT With a new job I had no sick time and there was no way I was going to call in and not get paid because hubby was soon to not be working. I sucked it up and went to work but as soon as I called the doctor they made me come in right way. Turns out I have a really bad case of bronchitis. SHOCKING! I get it every time I get sick, it's why I called the week before when I started feeling bad. Of course since I already did one round of antibiotics I knew it was going to be hard to get ride of. Thursday I was feel so bad I didn't go to work but I didn't want to miss our adoption meeting so I sucked it up and went.

When I got there hubby still wasn't there and that made me nervous as I was late myself and he only gets an hour for lunch. She had told me if there was a line not to wait in it to just call her, I did and it was busy, busy, busy. I had the wrong number. I was so annoyed, I emailed her and she came down right as Chris got there. She took us to an interview type room and gave us a stack of papers called the book for children. I thought it would have at least been a binder, I don't know why I expected more of dhs. She told us there was only one sibling group in our age range that she was planning to put our home study in for but to be warned because of the age range we want every child is going to have about 100 home studys turned in so not great odds. In my mind I was thinking well naturally we have 1/1,000,000 chance so 1/100 isn't that bad. 

She asked us a lot of hard questions such as would we be willing to take a low risk adoption. Mean they are a child that is on the road to having their parental rights terminated but haven't been yet. She gave the example of the mom has other children in dhs custody but that family doesn't want any more kids so they know she's going to use to lose this kid too. It's scary but it gives us a much much chance of getting an infant as most of these children are under the age of one if not six months. I thought this sounded like a good thing even if it meant a little more risk. DH did not think this sounded good, he said he didn't think I could emotional handle having a child taken away. 

Then she asked if we would be willing to do emergency foster care. In the state of Oklahoma they can not put children under the age of 6 in a shelter so they need emergency homes for them until they can find them a foster home. Normally two days to two weeks. She said a lot of families like this because it kinda prepares them to be parents without going full time right away. DH thought this sounded like a great idea which confused me after what he had said about doing low risk placement. This is when DH had to leave to go back to work leaving me on my own. 

I told her that I wasn't sure about the emergency placement because what do you do about day care because I have to work. She then shocks me and goes if you both work and adopt a child under the age of 6 dhs pays for their day care. I was blown away, I had no idea. Everybody I have told has acted like I was crazy for not knowing this but I had no clue. I told her we'd have to think about everything and talk it all over. 

She told us how everything works. It's a long process. One it takes children about 9 months to get put on the list for adoption so we pretty much can't get a baby baby. Once a month the whole adoption team meets and if their are any children in our range then we get submitted and it takes about two weeks for the childs case worker to view all the home studys. Once that is done the top three goes to state, and the top gets the choices to view the children's profile and history and they can either meet the child or pass to number two. If they meet the child then they have a sit down with them, us, foster parents, case workers and you can do several of those or go straight to over night visits and then placement. 

All in all the meeting went well and hubby and I needed to do a lot of talking. 

More to come on how that went.