Balance

I'm not sure if its healthy to consider your self balanced by having just as much hope as fear. Somedays it makes me feel bipolar.

 I have an angel of hope on one shoulder saying this has worked first shot for other people so its going to work for you. Maybe you'll be the lucky one that gets twins. I find myself dreaming of what cute maternity dress ill get to wear to my brothers wedding in July. E even going so far as looking some up online.

On the other shoulder is a scared bitter angry devil telling me it will never work and I should just start getting use to the idea of living child free. This thought makes me sad and then there are days where I think maybe I'd be ok with that. Doing what I wanted when I wanted. Traveling with the hubby. These thoughts make me wonder am I losing the fight at 26? Then I think of the room of baby stuff I have and know I can't gcw it away and I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Is is healthy to have such extreme thoughts everyday?

I guess this shows how scared I am. I'm scared I put my body thru the ringer and I won't get anything for it. I'm scared ill get pregnant and lose another baby. I'm scared I won't ever be able to enjoy bein pregnant if I ever get there. Or even worse I fear ill be too overjoyed after the fight we've had. Could I become that annoying and insensitive pregnant women? I hope not. Then again how unfair is it that because of this battle ill never be able to post pics of my belly and be happy with out thinkin of the pain that picture might be causing someone else.

Clearly I'm losing it so ill stop.

On a side note my headache is pretty dull today so I think I'm on the men's. I already talked to the doctor and if this cycle fails then ill be on femara next month. Man I hope there's no next month.