Holy PMS Batman!

I really hope its not pms but if its not im in trouble. I swear my husband is trying to piss me off. Everything he says just makes me mad. He thinks im over reacting and maybe i am but that doesnt change the fact that im mad...although im not sure why. Ahhhhh

Oh wait he said my house could have been cleaner after ive spent the two days he was away busting my butt cleaning a horribly horrible dirty house. Two loads of dishes, four loads of laundry, swept, vacummed, took out two bags of trash. Oh course it went down hill from there and hes just making me mad. Hes like i wasnt being rude...umm yes you were.

Thanks for letting me vent!

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nothing new

I feel very umm bored! I really should get a gym membership of something to keep myself busy. I did clean the kitchen, living room, dining room. Thats something I guess.

I got a baby sitting job. It's not full time, just temp but it's something to make money for the mean time.

DH has been applying for jobs right and left for when he graduates in a couple months. I really hope he gets something good!

My best friend the one I told you about thats pregnant found out yesterday she might be having twins. They told her they couldn't tell if there was a 2nd baby in the sac, maybe a miscarriage or a twin or that didn't develop. She doesn't have another u/s for another 4 weeks. It's frustrating. It's like I'm happy for her to have at least one baby but it's hard not having any. Its not like I want to take whats hers I just want it also.

Nothing new on the TTC front. I'm 9 or 10 dpo. It's about the time where my mind starts messing with me. I hate this.

Music really melts my soul.

For some reason I relate a lot of songs to infertility even when they were really written as such I can still find the infertile meaning hidden beneath.

HOLD ON - Wilson Phillips

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on


This makes me think of how we just need to HOLD ON maybe just one more day. We just have to keep fighting and pushing forward. Keep going!!

What songs remind you of infertility or miscarriage? Good or bad? Sad or happy?

I'm such a fatty!

I can not stop eating! For real. I'm normally like this right before AF but that's not due well if I go by OV for over another week so I don't understand. A minute ago DH told me I need to put down the sandwish. I was like but I'm starving! He says we just ate but that was over three hours ago!

I talked to a lawyer today. He said I really don't have a case unless I can prove they fired me due to workmens comp which I can't. I'm not surprised since this is a right to work state.

I'm oddly calm considering I don't have a job. We'll see if I'm this calm when I find out how much in unemployment I'll be making. I've spend the day looking for a job and applying for places for DH when he graduates in June. I really hope he finds something he loves and it's in a town we'll enjoy!

Nothing new on the TTC front. Trying not the think about dpo and af and do I feel pregnant, do I not feel pregnant.

There are no words

As I walked to work today I thought about my blog. The funny things we go thru as we travel this journey, my hopes and dreams, the thought of finally getting our baby, the thought that my new hair cut has given me such a boost and I'm feeling good!

Then I walk into work and everything hits the fan. First somebody says Brian (the only other person close to my age) got fired this morning but I'll tell you what happened later when were alone. I said ok and went to change since I had walked to work. Then Brian calls me and say dude I got fired and I'm like yeah I heard and he goes oh did you hear it was cause of you and I'm thinking WHAT?! He goes yeah they said I sexually harassed you be touching your shoulders the other day when I came in and said Hi. That I was to close to the kids (we work at a boarding school). As I'm on the phone my boss calls up and says he wants to see me. At this point I know whats coming. He say were gonna have to let you go. You were involved sexually harassed by Brain and thats wrong. I said he was just saying Hi it wasn't wrong but ok, he says well there are other issues. You have a attitude problem and a lot of people agree (I've never heard such a thing, never been written up, nothing!) Then he says I'm sorry we never got to really know each other or talk since I became the manager (6 weeks ago) but I think thats part of the problem it shows how en-personable you are that you don't talk to me everyday. Now I'm thinking umm we don't work the same hours, and I say Hi when I see you and aren't I your employee?! I was like ok fine and left. I've been getting phone calls all night by co-workers going I don't understand you did nothing wrong, you bust your butt.

I'm really just blown away! I mean I've known since he became the manager my days were numbered that he didn't like me but I in no way was going to quit not matter what he did and I was going to keep doing my job and not give him a reason to let me go. Well I guess he just made up one. I'm really thinking about calling a lawyer just to see what they have to say. I mean worst they will tell me is this is a right to work state and I can't do anything.

This really sucks because DH is already on unemployment and trying to finish up his BA in June so we can more and have a better life so this puts us both unemployed which is really bad feeling. I don't like living that way. I don't know if I should just take the unemployment and wait out the next three or four months so I have something to fall back on once we move and give myself time to find a job or if I should try really hard to find a job, which who knows if I'll be able to find one. This day sucks!!!!

My silver lining is now that both of us don't have a job you know we'll get pregnant because thats how life works! Thats so sad! Bittersweet but sad. If thats what it takes to get pregnant though. LOL I'm trying to stay positive!

Some things you can control

Well as long as you have a good hair stylist!!

This is us from over the weekend. We never get to go out and so we dressed up alittle. This is how my hair looked then.

This is the new front.

This is the back!!

This is the new color and me doing my own hair the next day.

I feel so good and free and light! My hair is so thick so even short it was heavy! I like my hair so much better short.

On a some things you can't control. I FINALLY OVED!!!!! CD19 but still. My temp went up and my cervix has been closed for a couple days now. YAY!!!!! That puts me at 3dpo. Guess AF will be due on V-day. JOY!

Thyroid update

I had my visit with the doctor yesterday. She was a doctor ive never met before and after waiting for two hours I was not impressed! She finally came in and started asking me really dumb questions. It was clear she didnt read, glance, skim over my chart whatsoever! This annoyed me mostly because she kept going well that isnt in his notes. Stupid woman you only have the notes from my last visit where im sure he doesnt write a book or repeat himself every visit. Weather its on that paper or not it doesnt state in my chart i do have infertility, my thyroid has been out of wack for almost three years, they checked my blood surgar just to be safe because i am trying to get pregnant and i do have a long family history of it.

She also says when you get pregnant (I wanted to be like wow glad you know itll happen or good to know your so confident when im not) you need to see us every three months. The problems with this are. One) I already go every three months so why bring it up if you want nothing to change. Two) both my normal doctor and the RE and ob said they want it checked as soon as I get a BFP as well as every four weeks at least the first 3 months since A) ive already had an early loss and B) my thyroid has been so crazy the last three years. I really should have told her off at this point but i didnt.

Finally after making me really late to my hair apt, which ill try and learn how to post pic later. She just gave me a refil and a script for blood work for 10 weeks from now. Wow a total waste of time and money. However my thyroid is normal for the first time in almost year years so thats awesome!

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Just to be clear as I guess I wasn't. My thyroid doctor is awesome!! I've had problems for two years with no results and he went from wildly out of control to normal in 8 months. The woman I saw was a doctor in his office who works for him. My nexts apt I made sure is with my normal doctor so no worries there!