No words

I have no words. I'm blown away right now!!!

First I really really liked my new doctor. He was awesome. He went over all my history and he did drop a pretty huge bomb on me. He said he doesn't know that the HBA test (sperm penetration test) isn't right. He said that test is really old and he hasn't seen it done in years. That explains by all the nurses I've talked to don't know what it is. He said that hubbys morphology is low and that is what he's more worried about. 4 and above is normal and hubbys is .5. Hubbys test was a 3 in 2010 and the thinking the .5 could be wrong as hubby didn't feel good the day he had the test done. The doctor said that in his experience a level between 1-4  pregnancy rates were the same with IUI as above 4 it's when it's under 1 that pregnancy rates are pretty much nothing. He wants hubby to do the SA on Friday morning and for us to IUI with his sperm. MY HUSBANDS SPERM!!! I'm blown away. I can my husbands baby. There are no words.

Hubby is pissed he's got to do the SA again and if it's crappy then we can always go back to using a donor but as of right now we have a shot of our own baby. The doctor said that he's even willing to do IUI with his level as low as .5.

Plan is to do clomid as he thinks it's better at giving you more eggs, it I don't have 3-4 eggs then we will move on the femara then follstim. I should start af anydays and well get rollin. I just hope and pray hubbys number is over 1!!!!! I don't want to get excited as with IUI we only have an 8-10% and about 40/50% over 4 cycles but things are looking better. I'm just shocked!!!!!

Jelly

That's what I call jealousy when I'm trying to play it down. Man I swear Somedays it just comes out of nowhere. Normally I can be happy for everybody else without beig to sad for myself and other days (I think it's when I'm pmsing or on af tht it happens most) I wanna punch someone.

I know other people are older than me, I know other people have an equally hard time if not harder than me but sometimes even when an infertile gets pregnant it stings. I'm so happy for all of you when you finally get pregnant or for those who lose babies get futher along. Somedays I wanna cry. I'm younger then most and I've trying longer then most and I feel like when is it my turn?

Now I'm crying because I feel so ashamed! I should be happy for more babies, no matter how they are made. I should be greatful I'm pmsing so we can start iuI. I should be happy we get to do iUI. I'm just so jelly! I just want to be a mom.

I feel like a liar!

Co-worker: why are you leaving early Wednesday?
Me: I have to go meet somebody.

I feel like I'm lying. I can't say I have a doctors apt because then my mom (who works a floor down from me)  will ask why.

How do you go to all your monitoring apts without people knowing what's up?

Few days to go

My RE apt with the new doctor here in OK is on Wen. I am so excited. Hubby told me that as long as we have the money set aside he is 100% on board with IUI. I have almost all of it so I'm not worried, of course hubby is worried it's not enough. He's scared it won't work after we spend the money. I kinda feel like he thinks its not gonna work and I'm just throwing away more money on fertility treatments. I on the other hand think we have a good chance of it working even if we have to do it twice.

I found out that our insurance will cover all the testing and diagnostic so we plan on having the doctor rerun my blood work since it's been a few years just to check. I really want them to retest hubby. I do not think it's going to change much as it's extremely low. Remember 80% and above is normal and his HBA level was 11%. Maybe if it was like 60 or something but 11 yeah I don't have much hope. I'm ok with this as it's been almost a year and we have come to terms with it. I think having the test done again will confirm it and hubby won't have any doubt that it was a mistake or he was sick or anything.

I'm just pumped for my appointment. I have read everything I can read on IUI. So much so that I am now dreaming about reading blogs and forums. I just have so many questions about what the success rates are and what meds well use. I just want my appointment here so I have answers. Also that will be a few days closer to AF starting! (it's due next weekend)

OHH update on the wedding. I researched for a couple hours this afternoon and I found a must closer hotel (within a mile or two from my brothers new apartment but still 30/40 minutes from the wedding site). Everybody oked it so I hope I don't hear anything else about it. Overall it's about $140 more for the week but my parents said they were planning on paying for the whole rental car which I had planned on paying half of so over all thats saving us $80. My mom said was sorry she hurt my feels by saying I didnt have to come. She said I just did want you to feel pressure to come if you didn't think you had the money or you needed to spend it on something else. I said it just made me feel like youd rather me not come then stay alittle futher away so we can afford it. She said she didn't mean it like that and she was sorry. I think were all good now.

Thats all for now.. Can't wait to update ya'll on my appointment!!!

Some days I hate myself

I feel the closer we get to my new RE apt the more questions I have. I think we are leaning more and more toward going ahead with DIUI.

Last night I was confirmed in my fear/decission to keep using a donor a secret. People keep asking to throw me a baby shower. Now I think this is nice and makes me feel loved and that people are on board with us adopting. However,  I feel like one we don't have a baby and two we still have a lot of doors still open to us. They wouldn't let it go so I finally swore them to secretecy and told them we were still thinking about doing treatment. They thought we should. They asked questions about what we could do and so I explained donor sperm and IVF. This is when my fear was brought to light, I could never do donor sperm, that's like carrying someone else's baby blah blah blah. It just shows that this is so personal and unless youre in it you really have no say or understanding. Part of me hates myself for even telling them we were thinking about treatment. It's like at the same time when you've let the world know your infertile there is bound to be a question as to how are you pregnant once it happens. Did you her that positivity? I'm trying!

I told the hubs I was mad that I let them get to me and he said it is what it is and who cares what anybody thinks its going to be our baby when we do donor sperm. He's never once said when we do it. I feel like its actually happening. I told him later I was kinda bummed he couldnt come to my apt with me. I hadn't ever planned on him coming and then he lost his job and I was somewhat hopping maybe he'd get to come but now he'll be working which is better but ya know. He was so sweet and was like when is it. I said next wen and he goes oh I was hopping it was sooner. I feel like we've made a break thru people!!! This might actually be happening!

A few questions since my mind is working overtime this week.

If your mom had fertility twins am I more likely too? I've had one doctor say yes another no. Thoughts?

How long can you travel/fly when pregnant with one/two babies? Like at what week should you stop?

How many of you need to lose weight? I'm having such a hard time with this.

How many are open with friends or family about treatment?

I feel like I had a ton more questions last night but now I can't remember.

Money

First I wanna say I'm blogging from my phone which I hate because I seem to always miss words. If that's the case I'm sorry but here goes.

My little brother is getting married in July in WA. I live in OK. I've been planning on attending for months. Planned on buying plane tickets wih tax return and save the rest for school an IUI. My brother is very much like me, always has a plan, ready to go months ahead of time. He was all pumped when I talked to him in AUG about hotels. After working for Hilton for so long I know the earlier you hold a room te better the price so I got on that in Aug as to save as much as possible. I researched everything within 30miles. Talked to my brother a million times before booking. No one other than my brother and I are planners so if I'd let it up to them no one would have even thought about it till June. My brother approved the location an so I booked every ones rooms. Great deal! Like $55 a night. Now it like $80 for the same hotel. I'm sure some of you are thinking $80s still good. It is, but when your trying to save money and its in the middle of no where it's only so so. All the rest I've seen are well bet $100. Plus we're staying a week. Then you have to add a rental car, eating out. You get the idea it adds up fast.

Sunday my mom asks me about the hotel because my sisters boyfriend now wants to come so we need another room. I tell her what we have and add another room and confirm ours. Then yesterday she busts out with your brother says that hotel is to ft away and we have to change it. To a town ten minutes closer. I'm sorry what. I've looked for other hotels. Sure there are some but way more money. I looked Sunday just to see when I added the extra room and it was cheaper to add an extra room then try to find a suite hotel with two rooms. I'm so annoyed because why is ten minutes worth $300? I don't understand, plus he approved this hotel before booking. I've been planning on spending X amount of money for 6 months and now you wanna change it?!

I feel like I'm being a brat. I'm my the only one in this family. They don't know we want to do IUI. They do know about hubby's job stuff and they know I dropped my classes to save money. We are ok but money is really right. We do want to do IUi now because we are sick f being derailed. I'm just annoyed because they don't care that we want a baby an that costs money, they don't even care enought that I did all the research for hotels. It just hurts my feelings.

Am I being a baby? This isn't my wedding.

This and that

I am feeling so much better! Not 100% but better. Im still coughing but I don't feel like sleeping on the bathroom floor at work so I think thats a plus.

No word from the adoption agent. We are just chugging along. DH was offered a temp job. It should last at least a month. It's not the job he wants but it will be a filler while he's looking for a better one. It makes me feel better to know he'll have something and we won't be jobless.

I got an infant car seat last week. It's the one I wanted and it's got three years before it expires. Makes me feel better because then at least if we get a baby I'll have a seat. I really want a convertible one as well. I'm all about a deal and it kills me to think about buying one at the last minute because we get a call about a baby (foster or not). I just haven't brought myself to do it though, I just want to put what we can toward IUI/school.

DH and I have been talking about if we should move forward with IUI or not. We have decided to keep my apt on the 30th. The insurance lady called and they will cover all the testing just not treatment. We talked it over and think it's a good idea to redo all the blood work, SA, HBA and at least get a better game plan. Then we can decide on if we can afford IUI this month or the following. I don't foresee anything being off with me (i hope that hasn't changed) but it would be nice to retest DH and make sure they've run all the test avil to both of us.

Here are a few pic of the car seat. I'm only slightly excited to add one more thing to my I have list.

Phone call w/adoption case worker

Update on my health. Still sick! I feel extremely run down today. I'm really worried they are going to send me to a specialist because I am still sick and this is day....I don't even know. I think 7 of 10. UGH NOOOO This is bad you guys!!

Ok Friday I called a few day cares just to see how the whole temp foster care thing works with day care. I just kept thinking what if we get a kid on Friday night and I have to work at 630 Monday morning. The first guy kinda acted like I was dumb and how can he answer my questions if I don't know when or the age. The next one I called was a lot nicer and did temp care herself. She said it can be stressful but dhs is very helpful and there are a lot of day cares so you can normally find one you just might have to change from week to week if it's temp. 

I talked the case worker and she told me something similar. That we are kinda doing dhs a favor and they aren't going to just drop off the kid and not call or help until they find a foster family. That made me feel better, she understands we have to work. 

I asked her what happens if Chris doesn't have his job and she said we fill out a new financial form and thats it. They won't take us off the list or anything. I told her that it's not like we can go to long with only one income so I don't see it lasting long if it happens. (yes I'm horrible I haven't told her he got laid off) 

I told her we are willing to do the emergency foster care and we wanted to move forward with a low risk placement. She said that he thought that was our best bet for a baby even thought they don't get a lot of placements. She said it happens in waves, three in one week then none for awhile and so on. 

I feel like we are getting somewhere. I know that we may not get a call for awhile or it could be tomorrow. Thats not scary at ALL! 

More to come on where IUI stands and the job hunt...

Figuring things out

Before I go back to Thursday after our appointment I'll just say it is day 6 of the meds and I think I am finally finally starting to feel better. Still coughing but I am feeling better. I just hope I can kick this 100% before I run out of meds.

Back to Thursday after our apt with the adoption case worker. With DH losing his job it was kinda hard to focus on anything but looking for a job. He had just got this old computer up and running with all of this old stuff from school he had. He spent all night updating his resume and putting together his portfolio. As excited as I was that he was excited to have it up and running and filling out applications the day and meeting was weighing on my mind and lets me honest babies always are.  Plus I couldn't stop thinking what happens to the adoption if hubby doesn't get a job quick.

Finally he came to bed and we got a few minutes to talk and have a real heart to heart. I asked DH what he thought about the low risk placement. He said he was just worried about my heart and how I would handle it if we got a baby and they were takin away. I told him that I understood that but that low risk placement meant that we would have a much much better chance of getting a baby. He said if I was ok with that then he was too. We talked about doing emergency foster care and how that might be a good way to kinda ease into being parents without jumping all in all at once. This brought on a whole new topic of day care and how we would handle that. Will they take a temp placement? New questions. How soon can you get a baby, what do we need to have ready just in case. What about DH job, what about money?

I decided I needed to call the case worker and some day cares and get answers. There were just so many new things happening all at once. Plus I felt like everything was falling apart at the same time. What were we gonna do about money, what if we got a baby before a job.

More on my phone call with the adoption case worker soon.

Sickness and adoption meeting

I started feeling sick on Tuesday, I was on antibiotics the week before so I was extremely frustrated. By Wen morning I had a 101.6 fever. GREAT With a new job I had no sick time and there was no way I was going to call in and not get paid because hubby was soon to not be working. I sucked it up and went to work but as soon as I called the doctor they made me come in right way. Turns out I have a really bad case of bronchitis. SHOCKING! I get it every time I get sick, it's why I called the week before when I started feeling bad. Of course since I already did one round of antibiotics I knew it was going to be hard to get ride of. Thursday I was feel so bad I didn't go to work but I didn't want to miss our adoption meeting so I sucked it up and went.

When I got there hubby still wasn't there and that made me nervous as I was late myself and he only gets an hour for lunch. She had told me if there was a line not to wait in it to just call her, I did and it was busy, busy, busy. I had the wrong number. I was so annoyed, I emailed her and she came down right as Chris got there. She took us to an interview type room and gave us a stack of papers called the book for children. I thought it would have at least been a binder, I don't know why I expected more of dhs. She told us there was only one sibling group in our age range that she was planning to put our home study in for but to be warned because of the age range we want every child is going to have about 100 home studys turned in so not great odds. In my mind I was thinking well naturally we have 1/1,000,000 chance so 1/100 isn't that bad. 

She asked us a lot of hard questions such as would we be willing to take a low risk adoption. Mean they are a child that is on the road to having their parental rights terminated but haven't been yet. She gave the example of the mom has other children in dhs custody but that family doesn't want any more kids so they know she's going to use to lose this kid too. It's scary but it gives us a much much chance of getting an infant as most of these children are under the age of one if not six months. I thought this sounded like a good thing even if it meant a little more risk. DH did not think this sounded good, he said he didn't think I could emotional handle having a child taken away. 

Then she asked if we would be willing to do emergency foster care. In the state of Oklahoma they can not put children under the age of 6 in a shelter so they need emergency homes for them until they can find them a foster home. Normally two days to two weeks. She said a lot of families like this because it kinda prepares them to be parents without going full time right away. DH thought this sounded like a great idea which confused me after what he had said about doing low risk placement. This is when DH had to leave to go back to work leaving me on my own. 

I told her that I wasn't sure about the emergency placement because what do you do about day care because I have to work. She then shocks me and goes if you both work and adopt a child under the age of 6 dhs pays for their day care. I was blown away, I had no idea. Everybody I have told has acted like I was crazy for not knowing this but I had no clue. I told her we'd have to think about everything and talk it all over. 

She told us how everything works. It's a long process. One it takes children about 9 months to get put on the list for adoption so we pretty much can't get a baby baby. Once a month the whole adoption team meets and if their are any children in our range then we get submitted and it takes about two weeks for the childs case worker to view all the home studys. Once that is done the top three goes to state, and the top gets the choices to view the children's profile and history and they can either meet the child or pass to number two. If they meet the child then they have a sit down with them, us, foster parents, case workers and you can do several of those or go straight to over night visits and then placement. 

All in all the meeting went well and hubby and I needed to do a lot of talking. 

More to come on how that went. 

Very sick

So much has happened this week and I have so much in my brian I need to get out and tell you guys and get advice on. I am so so so sick and so foggy that I can't seem to get a whole post together let along two or three that are in my head.

I'll just say I will be it all out at some point. No great job leads for hubby yet, he's has three interviews and three more Monday but no offers yet. Please keep him in your prayers and I'll update you on the adoption hopefully next week.

Good news!

and bad. My hubby got laid off today but I have a feeling God has a plan. His whole department was let go. He has one week left of work and then nothing. I am hopeful he'll find something quickly because....watch.

so close

I got a call from the adoption working today. She was very nice and I like her a lot. She said our file looks good and we should be approved by Friday. She said she just needed something from DH doctor about his sizures. Yeah I already faxed that several weeks ago. Thankfully it was on my computer and I just emailed it over and it's sitting on her bosses desk to be approved hopefully tomorrow or Friday. I can't wait!!! I'm still holding my breath though. I'm so afraid something will happen and we won't be approved or that we will and never get picked to get a baby. UGH Sorry I've been a bad updater. We went to FL for christmas and it was fun but extremely busy. I got along with my MIL pretty well. There are always things she says that are dumb and others I think man if she pulls this when I have a kid I won't be able to take it. I know it's stupid to worry about something that may never happen but when I see her act that way she does it's hard not to think about it. I hope I have good new for you guys in a couple of days but knowing dhs who knows.