Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Some days I hate myself

I feel the closer we get to my new RE apt the more questions I have. I think we are leaning more and more toward going ahead with DIUI.

Last night I was confirmed in my fear/decission to keep using a donor a secret. People keep asking to throw me a baby shower. Now I think this is nice and makes me feel loved and that people are on board with us adopting. However,  I feel like one we don't have a baby and two we still have a lot of doors still open to us. They wouldn't let it go so I finally swore them to secretecy and told them we were still thinking about doing treatment. They thought we should. They asked questions about what we could do and so I explained donor sperm and IVF. This is when my fear was brought to light, I could never do donor sperm, that's like carrying someone else's baby blah blah blah. It just shows that this is so personal and unless youre in it you really have no say or understanding. Part of me hates myself for even telling them we were thinking about treatment. It's like at the same time when you've let the world know your infertile there is bound to be a question as to how are you pregnant once it happens. Did you her that positivity? I'm trying!

I told the hubs I was mad that I let them get to me and he said it is what it is and who cares what anybody thinks its going to be our baby when we do donor sperm. He's never once said when we do it. I feel like its actually happening. I told him later I was kinda bummed he couldnt come to my apt with me. I hadn't ever planned on him coming and then he lost his job and I was somewhat hopping maybe he'd get to come but now he'll be working which is better but ya know. He was so sweet and was like when is it. I said next wen and he goes oh I was hopping it was sooner. I feel like we've made a break thru people!!! This might actually be happening!

A few questions since my mind is working overtime this week.

If your mom had fertility twins am I more likely too? I've had one doctor say yes another no. Thoughts?

How long can you travel/fly when pregnant with one/two babies? Like at what week should you stop?

How many of you need to lose weight? I'm having such a hard time with this.

How many are open with friends or family about treatment?

I feel like I had a ton more questions last night but now I can't remember.


  1. Brandon's sperm is crap- there's no other way to put it. In March 2012 we were ready to pursue using donor sperm + IUI. We had only told the girls I work with, my SIL, and my Dad. Once I told my Dad he felt terrible for Brandon. See, Brandon and I had talked early on about using a donor and he was uncomfortable with the idea. When we were faced with DIUI or IVF, he realized that he would be willing to sacrifice having his own bio child in an effort for us to have children. That's when my Dad stepped in and loaned us the money we would need for IVF. It would have taken us about a year to save the $13k needed and then I would have needed another surgery to remove Endo.

    Brandon and I were both conflicted as to how we would tell our families if we chose to use a donor. Most of our family still has no idea that we considered that option. Also, people have no idea how difficult it is to come to that reality and even to try picking a donor. It was heartwrenching trying to find someone to look and be like your spouse.

    I'm so sorry that your friends/family don't get it. Not only is Infertility hard to understand and relate to, but there are so many different angles to consider. It truly is one of those situations that most people don't understand until they're faced with it. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that your friends aren't more supportive of your family building efforts.

  2. My close friend who conceived on her second attempt, doesn't understand the difference between IUI and IVF. During my last explanation of IUI, she said 'is that the turkey baster thing?' It made me resent her even more for conceiving so easily, but made me think twice about telling her how conception occurred if it does happen

  3. When I talked with family about it, I try to be a vague as possible. If they haven't been there or already have knowledge of fertility treatments, they aren't going to get it. As for telling about using Donor sperm, I don't think it should matter to people how the child comes into the world.

  4. I can't answer all your questions since I don't know, but I'll try to answer what I do know. I'm different open with different people. Some know everything, some only know I have trouble, some have no idea about anything. It just depends on their relationship to me and how comfortable I feel. Weirdly I've had the least support where I thought I'd find it most and vice versa. I need to lose some weight, but mostly i work on not gaining. I can go a bit overboard so trying to keep myself healthy, preplan meals and cook ahead of time.

    The biggest thing with IF and has now taught me for life in general is that you really don't know what you will do until you are faced with the situation. I remember DH and I hypothetically speaking before even TTC of what if we could, well just adopt, we take in stray animals and love them, why not a stray kid? Yeah.... Very personal and emotional and no one can understand, not truly, unless they've been there too. *hugs*

  5. Ugh, I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves unless specifically asked.

    You can fly until about 35 weeks in a low-risk pregnancy, but the airline will want a doctor's note if you're visibly pregnant, and the cut-off for twins would be earlier.

    Visiting from ICLW.