Week One Weigh in and "hiding" our infertility.

I weighted in today and I've lost 5.2 lbs in a week. I'm so excited!! I have 13 days till I see my brother and parents and I really would love to lose at least another 5 if not 10. I hate hearing my mom call me fat. Even though I'm not over weight.

Moving on. I've seen a lot of ya'll write and talk about how we aren't 100% open with our infertility and I've been thinking about it a lot the past few days. I know that it's implied when I comment on Facebook that were infertile but I've never come right out and said it like many of you haven't. I would guess like many of you it's because I can't bare to hear the unwanted advice or the your young you have time, it'll happen.

Today I got this message on FB and it said hey girl hows it going just wanted to find out how things are and how the RE is. I sat there for awhile and thought did I tell her about our problems or did she get what I've been implying for a few months now. I still have no clue but I wrote her back and told her how things were and she said I'm so glad you emailed me back because were having problems too and I feel so alone and of course even though she's married to my ex (were all friendly but it's still kinda weird she's so nice to me lol) I just wanted to hug her and cry with her and say your not alone I'm here and I understand. It just shows how many people there are out there like us and do understand. We aren't alone.

She also sent me this link. I found it interesting and sad. Enjoy

http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility?currentPage=1

ICLW getting to know me better

I stole this idea from It's Definitely Possible and thought it would be a good way to start ICLW.

The ABC's of Me...

A) Age: 25

(B) Bed Size: Queen but oh how I want a King! I don't like to be touched! LOL

(C) Chore You Hate: Folding Laundry!

(D) Dog's Name: Alex - he's so cute and I love him!!

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: A kiss from my love. I'm trying to make it the gym, so far so good!

(F) Favorite Color: Hunter Green. I love bright colors thought, however I wear alot of black.

(G) Gold or Silver? silver

(H) Height: 5'5 and a half

(I) Instruments You Play: HAHA thats funny

(J) Job Title: Nanny

(K) Kids: Hopefully soon.

(L) Live: Florida

(M) Mom's Name: Melissa

(N) Nicknames: Jen, buddaplenty (ok so I have to explain. We know this couple and they call each other budda instead of babe or baby and so everybody they meet they give a budda name and I have a nice butt and therefore buddaplenty and then my best friend heard and well it stuck and there you go!)

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Nope

(P) Pet Peeve: Slow/bad drivers

(Q) Quote from a Movie: "Patience is a virtue.....not right now it isn't"

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: To tell the truth or how I feel. I want to say two younger, twins. Caleb and Tabitha 20 however I do have a sister I don't speak to so yeah there you go.

(T) Time You Wake Up? School days 12, other days 2 or 3 but I'm really trying to fix that.

(U) Underwear: ummm (love bikini, can't do thongs)

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: easier to list what I do like. Corn, green beans, broc, squash....that's it.

(W) What Makes You Run Late: My husband. If it's just me I'm early.

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Teeth, back, neck

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: People LOVE my scrambled eggs although I don't eat them. haha I'm a pasta girl.

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Dolphins...are they are the zoo? No oh well.

Welcome ICLWers + Birthday

Welcome ICLW. I hope you can relate/understand my blog and I can entertain you if only for a few minutes a day. If you want to know my story it's under my story.

Today is my 25th Birthday. I keep telling myself it's just another birthday but all I want to do is cry. I know your all going to say that at least I have time on my side but I don't feel that way. It's just another year/birthday that I don't have a family to celebrate with. I know I have Chris and I love him, even though he doesn't even realize that I'm sad or that it's after midnight and therefore my birthday. I just want a baby. Every birthday I feel like I freak out more and more.

All I can think is my mom didn't have babies after 28 and I'm just another year closer. I know that thats stupid and fertility treatments have come along way in the last 20 years but it still really freaks me out. I just feel like we are quickly running out of time. I know I sound so stupid and dumb right now but I'm just really sad.

Back Home and Weight

I have never been so happy to be home!!! Babysitting was good and we needed the money but it sucked because away from DH for so long. It showed me how much I don't want to be a single mom and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man that wants a baby as much as I do in my life.

I have worked out 4 of the last 5 days. Today was rough since I'm sore from the first few days but I pushed thru and kept going. I really want to lose the weight!!!

When I got home today from the gym and was hoping in the shower DH goes "babe you look sexy" Haven't heard that in awhile! I said "does that mean I look like I've lost weight?!" DH "no but you look like you feel like you have" Umm thanks! I think. Guess I am feeling better about myself and I'm sure that is helping my mood. TTC is hard and this is helping my mind alot.

On a awesome note I went to the mall yesterday to kill time while the kids were at basketball (how embarrassing to have their babysitter watch!)Just got kicks I thought hey I'll see if I can stuff my hugh butt in a size 8. I was wearing 10s. Look!! They fit nicely, not tight or anything! I almost cried!

I of course couldn't help myself so I tried the 6s! I got them buttoned but as you can see clear muffin top! More work to do!



As for TTC today is my last day of the soy isoflavones. I have been feeling my OV the last 18 hours or so so I'm hoping it's doing something!

CD3, Gym Day 2

I got 8 1/2 WONDERFUL hours of sleep last night and man do I feel like a new person today. I'm still alittle congested but I'm feeling much better. I feel like with sleep I can do anything.

I had my meeting with the personal trainer today and set up a work out routine. I worked out for about 2 1/2 hours. It felt AWESOME! I'm really happy I finally got membership and have gone both days. I would LOVE LOVE to lose 10lbs by March 8th when I see my parents. I do not want to hear about how fat I am. Even though the doctor and the trainer told me my weight is fine. He did say I could stand to lose 10 to 15 lbs which is all I want. To lose a bit and tone up. I want back in my size 6 jeans!!!

I just took all of like 15 pills! AHH Heres to TTC and getting a nice strong OV.

Goodnight all. Early morning with the kidos in the morning. Only 2 1/2 more days and then mom will be back and I'm FREE!!!

New gym member

I took some night cold meds so I have to write fast and I can feel them starting to kick in. I need the sleep more than you know. I haven't hardly spelt in three days/nights.

I signed up a gym membership today. I worked out for an hour today and ate healthy. We'll see if I feel it tomorrow. I have a personal training section tomorrow to make up a work out plan and to work around my hip injury from less than 6 months ago.

I'm feeling good just for getting to the gym, now I just have to keep at it!!!!

Nothing to report on TTC front. Started soy isoflavones today. Heres to my birthday month being lucky!!!

A real update

Now that I've got a computer at my hands I can give a real update.

This weekend has been crazy. DH had a HUGE test today, and an interview, so that means he's been stressin, buggin me to help him study, just being annoying all weekend. I had a birthday party for our neice Sunday afternoon and then babysat for 8 hours Sunday night.

DH ended making a 93 on his test today, even though he walked around all weekend going I don't have enough study time I'm going to fail I'm going to fail. I knew he wouldn't!! He's the smartest person I know. His interview went well. They pretty much said they don't have an open job for an entry-level postion but if something opens up in the next 3 months it's his. We'll see!

AF finally showed today. 34 day cycle not fun!! I cried alittle yesterday but I'm so sick today that I couldn't even think about it. I have a horrible head cold. Can't breath, everything is draining down my throat, therefore I can't sleep cause I'm drinking so much water and have to go to the bathroom plus I wake up so stuffed up! I just got out of an extremely hot bath and that seemed to open things up a bit. However here I sit writing instead of trying to sleep. I only have to be up in 6 hours. OUCH!

I've been saying for months I was going to get a gym membership but I really want to do it. I might need ya'll to make me feel bad, push me, bug me to get one and to go everyday. I know that with hypothyroidism I really need to take better care of my body and I am boardline normal/overweight. Plus I was about 15 lbs or so less than I am now when I was pregnant last time so you never know if just that little bit could help. It's a good week to start since I'm babysitting overnights this week and have to have kids out the door at 7:30 and 9 and therefore that will force me to get up and get moving.

I'm going to do soy isoflavones again this cycle. I'm going to take it 2-6 since normally I OV between 13 and 15 on my own and taking it 5-9 I oved on day 19 or 20. I've read alot of women that got a +hpt when they increased slowly over the 5 days. I'm going to take 200 d (day) 2, 240 d3, 280 d4 and d5, 320 d6. Hopefully that will help and I'll still OV close to my reg 14 or 15.

I alway wanted to say Thank you for all the comments! I have been reading ya'lls blogs as well I just haven't been commenting as it's hard from my phone but I promise I'm here reading, listening, fighting the fight with you!

I hate that bitch....

AF showed today. Im in a funk. Dont wanna talk just wanted to update.

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To scared to test

AF is due today and nothing. Normally I have spotting before AF shows and none of that either.

I though all night about testing this morning but then my temp was down so I couldnt bring myself to test. Of course that happens when you get up early and hardly sleep. After a nap it was right back up so.

I feel like shes going to show up any min but nothing yet. I need to test because im supose to see the doctor asap if I get a positive but im just so scared. I cant do it...help!

Ill post my vday stuff later when i have my computer. DH is studing for a big test.

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I just wanna be pregnant.

The end!

Yeah right like thats ever the end. Im cd 32 and 13dpo. I keep telling myself your not pregnant your not pregnant dont test. Then my mind starts to go maybe i could be. Why do I do this? Its been 37 months of not being pregnant so why/how do I hold on to this hope. It hurts so bad when AF shows. Ahhh

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A little inspiration...

I know we've all heard those crazy stores about people trying for years and finally getting pregnant but I think this one takes the cake.

I think I mentioned that I've started babysitting a lot more since I lost my job and I started for a new family today. During the interview she didn't say anything about a dad or ex or anything so when we were alone today I ask if there was a dad in the picture or anything and she said well I never found the right guy and I really wanted kids so I decided to do it on my own. I was like thats cool I can understand that. She went on to say she used donor sperm but she couldn't get pregnant and so she did all the different things, clomid, IUI, IVF. She said it took 7 years to finally get pregnant and I had waited till I was 35 to start trying, I wanted to finish medical school and everything. I knew she was an older mom cause well you can tell.

I guess my reference must have told her I was in the same boat, which is totally fine and she busts out with "I did a lot of clinical trails and I did 17 (you read right 17) rounds of IVF, many canceled due to poor egg quality. They kept telling her to give up and adopt, there was even a vibe she said that they didn't want to treat her anymore because she'd had so many failed cycles and wouldn't give up that she was killing there stats for IVF. Then I heard about getting donor eggs which wasn't a big thing 13-16 years ago. I demanded they try that and first round with donor eggs I got pregnant. All three of my children were first try donor eggs IVF (does that make sense)"

I was blown away when she said 17. She said "I wanted a baby and I was going to do everything in my power to get a baby and carry it myself." She said "I called and emailed and looked on the internet everyday or clinical trails, ways to help to make it stick, called the insurance company to get help paying for things, anything and everything I could do to get my baby." She said "Many people don't understand how it feels to want a child so badly, it takes over every thought in your mind and your life but then you finally get your take home baby and everything chances"

Part of me wants to cry and thinks man I really don't know if I could make it thru that many rounds of treatment or try for 7 years with nothing. Then I think well I've already made it thru more than 3 years and I'm still pushing on and if it means holding a baby in my arms one day then it's all worth it right??

Quick update on me since I'm writing.
Yesterday I was sure I was PMSing and af was on the way.
Today I feel really bloated, my bbs went from hardly hurting yesterday to killin today, really gassy. Ahh now I'm like many theres hope!

Why do I/we do this to ourselves?!

Holy PMS Batman!

I really hope its not pms but if its not im in trouble. I swear my husband is trying to piss me off. Everything he says just makes me mad. He thinks im over reacting and maybe i am but that doesnt change the fact that im mad...although im not sure why. Ahhhhh

Oh wait he said my house could have been cleaner after ive spent the two days he was away busting my butt cleaning a horribly horrible dirty house. Two loads of dishes, four loads of laundry, swept, vacummed, took out two bags of trash. Oh course it went down hill from there and hes just making me mad. Hes like i wasnt being rude...umm yes you were.

Thanks for letting me vent!

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nothing new

I feel very umm bored! I really should get a gym membership of something to keep myself busy. I did clean the kitchen, living room, dining room. Thats something I guess.

I got a baby sitting job. It's not full time, just temp but it's something to make money for the mean time.

DH has been applying for jobs right and left for when he graduates in a couple months. I really hope he gets something good!

My best friend the one I told you about thats pregnant found out yesterday she might be having twins. They told her they couldn't tell if there was a 2nd baby in the sac, maybe a miscarriage or a twin or that didn't develop. She doesn't have another u/s for another 4 weeks. It's frustrating. It's like I'm happy for her to have at least one baby but it's hard not having any. Its not like I want to take whats hers I just want it also.

Nothing new on the TTC front. I'm 9 or 10 dpo. It's about the time where my mind starts messing with me. I hate this.

Music really melts my soul.

For some reason I relate a lot of songs to infertility even when they were really written as such I can still find the infertile meaning hidden beneath.

HOLD ON - Wilson Phillips

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on


This makes me think of how we just need to HOLD ON maybe just one more day. We just have to keep fighting and pushing forward. Keep going!!

What songs remind you of infertility or miscarriage? Good or bad? Sad or happy?

I'm such a fatty!

I can not stop eating! For real. I'm normally like this right before AF but that's not due well if I go by OV for over another week so I don't understand. A minute ago DH told me I need to put down the sandwish. I was like but I'm starving! He says we just ate but that was over three hours ago!

I talked to a lawyer today. He said I really don't have a case unless I can prove they fired me due to workmens comp which I can't. I'm not surprised since this is a right to work state.

I'm oddly calm considering I don't have a job. We'll see if I'm this calm when I find out how much in unemployment I'll be making. I've spend the day looking for a job and applying for places for DH when he graduates in June. I really hope he finds something he loves and it's in a town we'll enjoy!

Nothing new on the TTC front. Trying not the think about dpo and af and do I feel pregnant, do I not feel pregnant.

There are no words

As I walked to work today I thought about my blog. The funny things we go thru as we travel this journey, my hopes and dreams, the thought of finally getting our baby, the thought that my new hair cut has given me such a boost and I'm feeling good!

Then I walk into work and everything hits the fan. First somebody says Brian (the only other person close to my age) got fired this morning but I'll tell you what happened later when were alone. I said ok and went to change since I had walked to work. Then Brian calls me and say dude I got fired and I'm like yeah I heard and he goes oh did you hear it was cause of you and I'm thinking WHAT?! He goes yeah they said I sexually harassed you be touching your shoulders the other day when I came in and said Hi. That I was to close to the kids (we work at a boarding school). As I'm on the phone my boss calls up and says he wants to see me. At this point I know whats coming. He say were gonna have to let you go. You were involved sexually harassed by Brain and thats wrong. I said he was just saying Hi it wasn't wrong but ok, he says well there are other issues. You have a attitude problem and a lot of people agree (I've never heard such a thing, never been written up, nothing!) Then he says I'm sorry we never got to really know each other or talk since I became the manager (6 weeks ago) but I think thats part of the problem it shows how en-personable you are that you don't talk to me everyday. Now I'm thinking umm we don't work the same hours, and I say Hi when I see you and aren't I your employee?! I was like ok fine and left. I've been getting phone calls all night by co-workers going I don't understand you did nothing wrong, you bust your butt.

I'm really just blown away! I mean I've known since he became the manager my days were numbered that he didn't like me but I in no way was going to quit not matter what he did and I was going to keep doing my job and not give him a reason to let me go. Well I guess he just made up one. I'm really thinking about calling a lawyer just to see what they have to say. I mean worst they will tell me is this is a right to work state and I can't do anything.

This really sucks because DH is already on unemployment and trying to finish up his BA in June so we can more and have a better life so this puts us both unemployed which is really bad feeling. I don't like living that way. I don't know if I should just take the unemployment and wait out the next three or four months so I have something to fall back on once we move and give myself time to find a job or if I should try really hard to find a job, which who knows if I'll be able to find one. This day sucks!!!!

My silver lining is now that both of us don't have a job you know we'll get pregnant because thats how life works! Thats so sad! Bittersweet but sad. If thats what it takes to get pregnant though. LOL I'm trying to stay positive!

Some things you can control

Well as long as you have a good hair stylist!!

This is us from over the weekend. We never get to go out and so we dressed up alittle. This is how my hair looked then.

This is the new front.

This is the back!!

This is the new color and me doing my own hair the next day.

I feel so good and free and light! My hair is so thick so even short it was heavy! I like my hair so much better short.

On a some things you can't control. I FINALLY OVED!!!!! CD19 but still. My temp went up and my cervix has been closed for a couple days now. YAY!!!!! That puts me at 3dpo. Guess AF will be due on V-day. JOY!

Thyroid update

I had my visit with the doctor yesterday. She was a doctor ive never met before and after waiting for two hours I was not impressed! She finally came in and started asking me really dumb questions. It was clear she didnt read, glance, skim over my chart whatsoever! This annoyed me mostly because she kept going well that isnt in his notes. Stupid woman you only have the notes from my last visit where im sure he doesnt write a book or repeat himself every visit. Weather its on that paper or not it doesnt state in my chart i do have infertility, my thyroid has been out of wack for almost three years, they checked my blood surgar just to be safe because i am trying to get pregnant and i do have a long family history of it.

She also says when you get pregnant (I wanted to be like wow glad you know itll happen or good to know your so confident when im not) you need to see us every three months. The problems with this are. One) I already go every three months so why bring it up if you want nothing to change. Two) both my normal doctor and the RE and ob said they want it checked as soon as I get a BFP as well as every four weeks at least the first 3 months since A) ive already had an early loss and B) my thyroid has been so crazy the last three years. I really should have told her off at this point but i didnt.

Finally after making me really late to my hair apt, which ill try and learn how to post pic later. She just gave me a refil and a script for blood work for 10 weeks from now. Wow a total waste of time and money. However my thyroid is normal for the first time in almost year years so thats awesome!

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Just to be clear as I guess I wasn't. My thyroid doctor is awesome!! I've had problems for two years with no results and he went from wildly out of control to normal in 8 months. The woman I saw was a doctor in his office who works for him. My nexts apt I made sure is with my normal doctor so no worries there!