Trying to catch up

Ok so yesterday I was bleeding every time I went to the bathroom, like somebody was poring a cup of water out but then nothing on the pad, today a bit less and this afternoon just spotting. Since I took the p4 it's spotting even less. I got my levels at 2 and I thought and thought about what he said and I was really annoyed that he didn't get me the meds. I do like that he is straight forward and tells me if he thinks this is viable or not but at the same time he told me it was 50/50 and he has seen women with a number low like mine go on to have healthy babies so I don't know why he wouldn't give me a chance. After ya'll and talking to the girls on my fb group I maned up so to speak and called. I talked to the nurse and I said I understand he is doubtful but I would feel better if I could start the meds now and at least give this pregnancy a shot. I know it could still go bad but even at worst my hcg is crap and I have to stop the meds but at least I tried. She put me on hold, the doctor said yes but just remember this may or may not work so just keep a level head till Friday. I respect he's trying to keep me from being to hopeful but ya know.

I'm scared that I'll still lose this baby but I'm even more scared not to try. I know that God is in control and things will be ok. Like I said silver lining we did get pregnant.

Any stores of low betas that turned out well???

Oh heres my test from this morning. Top and left is today, right is yesterday. The cheapies top to bottom, 2, 4, 5, 7,8, 10, 12 (night), 13 (two morning, one night) bottoms is today.

Crap!

The doctor called (he only calls with bad news) beta 21.7 and progesterone 3.56 he said he's not sure if this is a viable pregnancy. He won't give me progesterone until Friday if my beta doubles. What the crap?!

Edit!

Stop freaking out! I called back and he called it in. More when I get home!!

Clueless

Still bleeding but only when I go to the bathroom. Tested again and the test is much darker then yesterday. I wish I could post a pic but can't from my phone. I had my beta this morning and the nurse didn't sound worried. Well see. Ill also have a repeat beta Friday. Ugh this sucks!!

Rough Day

After all the keep your head up your not out yesterday I thought I'll show them I know my body and so I took a test and low and behold it was POSITIVE. Super super fain but there. I was shocked! I test again this morning and it was darker on the frer but not the cheapie. Again shocked even more. This is happening! Still light but you could see it. Then two hours I started bleeding. It sucked!!! It's not on the pad just when I wipe but it's a lot when I wipe. The doctor said come in tomorrow for hcg and progesterone. I've been in bed since I got home from work and trying not to freak out. I feel deep down this is over but I'm trying not to be neg. I took another cheapie when I got home and it's the same or a touch lighter then this morning. UGH

I am trying to tell myself there are a number of reasons I could be bleeding but deep down I feel like this is over. On the silver lining if this is over then at least we know it worked and next time they'll put me on progesterone.

I just feel crappy in limbo. My husband is not handling this well and I feel horrible.

11-12dpiui

I said I was gonna test this morning but I didn't. I'm not sure if I'm scared or doubtful or what. Part of me feels like I'm out and af is coming then the other part of me doesn't feel like normal pre af. I'm not sure!

I'm still hot, tired, sweet tea tastes gross. I'm really sad about that one but after like five of them I think I'm giving up. I don't want anything to do with food. Well any real food (I can eat totsie rolls here and there) this is the only really thing that gives me hope because Im always eating like a pig right about now. I normally stuff my face te five days leading up to af and then slow way down when she's here. The bloating however is gone today. Yesterday my pants were tight but today I feel ok.

I don't know if ill test tomorrow or just wait and see if I start spotting or get my normal pre af headache. Ugh

EDIT

I'm spotting so I'm 99% I'm out. I always spot a couple days before af.

10dpiui

I'm feeling kinda down today. I know it's still early but I just feel like I'm going to fail once again. I just keep thinking I can't do this again. I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't know that my body can handle this again and again and again. I sat in the car today and thought I know God has a plan but I'm so scared it's not the same as mine. I know this plan his always better but it's scary to let go of the control.

I'm still hoping it will work. I may have stollen this from Overworked but it's exactly how I feel.

I'm still cramping and now sweet tea tastes funky. I hope I've just gotten a couple of bad teas cause I love that stuff but then again I'm kinda hopping it's a sign. Yes before you flip out I'm still drinking caffeine. I've cut back from 10 sodas/tea a day to no more then 3. That does put me under the allowed amount for a pregnant person. I still wanna cut back some more but I' not going to do that until i know I'm pregnant. 

PLEASE LET THIS WORK!!!!!!!!

7-9 dpiui

7 - I had a lot of cramping. This is not normal for me.

8 - more cramping but not as bad as the day before. Back pain. Also I don't wanna call it pain down there but something, kinda like af is coming. Also I'm so tried! Dinner smelled horrible when Chris was cooking but then tasted awesome.

9 - today just my boobs are HUGE and they hurt. They always hurt between O and af but they normally aren't so big my bra/shirt doesn't fit. Stil feeling something in my UT (uterus) like something is trying to stretch pizza dough or something. I'm really hot! Normally I wear my jacket all day at work but I haven't been able to since 6 dpiui. This isn't normal! I did have that when I was pregnant last night though.

I really hope that my head isn't making me feel like this because I want it so badly. I'm trying to hold out till Monday (12dpiui) to test but its so hard!

Birthday

I hate this day. It's just a reminder that I'm another year older and still don't have a baby, no family. The realization that my younger brother and sister (twins) have a very good chance of having kids before me. My brothers getting married in July and wants kids right away. My sister is looking at engagement rings. I was suppose to have flower girls and ring bears for their wedding by now. It sucks. To see the rings my sister is looking at and to know that both of them make more money then us and I think when I was her age I was already doing fertility treatments. We have no money because everything goes toward a baby. I don't remember the last time we had a vacation just us that was more then 2 days. Sorry I'm so bitter. I really hate my birthday!!

I kinda feel dumb since this is the closest I've ever been to a baby. God please please with everything in me please bless us!

Oh progesteone was 20.8 nurse sounded happy.

6dpiui

There has been a lot of drama today but we've moved on. It's sad somebody I thought was my friend clearly isn't and just went above and beyond. I've moved on because I have God, an amazing husband and good friends. It's all good!

Today I woke up with pain in my low back. I don't know if thats a possible symptom or maybe I just twisted it or something. It's never hurt like this before so I don't know. I'm still slightly bloated but not as horrible as before. My bbs hurt SOO bad but like I've said before thats normal for me. One thing I know for sure is I've been trying to drink one cup a day of grape juice (I read it helps with implantation) but it takes weird and smells like wine. Never had this problem before, so weird.

I'm going in tomorrow morning to have my progesterone checked. I think it's fine but they just wanna make sure it's high enough if I do get pregnant to stay pregnant.

Thats all I got for now. Off to bed, I'm so tried!

Family

First I want to start by saying that I love love my family. For the more part they are supportive. They say dumb things and they don't get it but they want us to have babies and they know we have problems.

With all that said there are couple things that really just get to me. One I was reading a lovely ladies blog http://oldladynobaby.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-letter.html about how her sister donated her eggs to her and it just made me so sad because I know that my sister would never do that let alone try to be a surrogate. Not that I need either one of those (that I know of, thats scary) but it's just sad. I would do anything for her and I know we haven't always been extremely close it really hurts that she wouldn't do that for me.

Then you have my brother and you all know he's getting married in July. He finally gave her the ring today. He had to wait till she turned 18 last week. Yes she's 18! He's 22 so they aren't that far apart. I swear if I hear someone (them or parents) say they plan on getting pregnant right away I'll scream. 18 years old and want to get pregnant as soon as they get married and knowing my luck they will makes me wanna scream and cry. I know thats not fair but it's how I feel.

Not to add my mother in law thinks we shouldn't do treatment at all because what is meant to be will be. My mother telling me to be happy for other people I just wanna scream.

Now you know why I just keep treatment to myself. I just can't deal with the comments or judgement. I love them but sometimes just to much. I really really hope this works. I need this to work! I have never prayed so hard in my life. I'm so scared what will happen if this fails. I feel like I will 1000% fall apart.

3dpiui

Just chugging along here. I have a three day weekend so I'm trying to stay busy. I've cleaned our bedroom and put away about 6 loads of laundry. Also went to lunch with hubby!

I'm still bloated, slight cramping when I woke up. That went away once I drank a couple glasses of water. I do have a mild headache which I never have during the tww so I'm hopping thats a good sign. Remember I'm not on progesterone so it's not that. My bbs are pretty big and sore. That is normal for me.

I'm sorry that I'm being so boring. I just want to remember this one if I am pregnant and two if I'm not then I'll know what is and isn't a sign next cycle. Man I hate this! I'm not this person that looks at everything and thinks is this because I'm pregnant? Did it work? UGH!

Now after talking to Chris yesterday I can't help but wonder did the egg fertilize? If it did then it should be nearing the end of this fallopian tube journey. My question is what does it do for those 3-7 days until it implants? Just bounce around in there?

Love my man

Just thought I'd share some cute things my husband has said about this cycle.

First we couldn't do our vday yesterday because I had a wedding showering to go to. It was suppose to be on Tuesday but it got snowed out. Anyways we didn't really even plan anything for tonight but he came home with flowers and surprised me. It made my week!

Then as we sat and talked about our day he starts talking about our possible pregnancy. He brought it up, I didn't even start it this time!

He busts out with I'm already over this waiting, isn't there some way we can find out before two weeks if were pregnant. I said sadly no. He goes why not so I explain how the embro grows and that he doesn't implant until 6-10 dpo. He goes so we don't even know if it fertilized? How do we find out if it did? I said we can't, we just have to wait and see if it did and then implanted. He's like I really want this to work, I feel so good about it. I just want to know now. Ya know I'm going to go to all the doctors apts with you. I said well you don't have to go to the boring ones like just measuring me and stuff but I do want you at all the U/S and the ones with the RE's office till I graduate. He was like graduate? I said yeah once you've had a few U/S and stuff with the RE they send you to an OB, he was like we have to find an OB. lol I said yeah, ya know normal people don't get all these U/S and betas like infertiles right. He was like at least were getting something out of this deal.

I just love him, he makes me laugh and keeps me positive. He's so laid back and chill it's nice to see him so excited. I really hope this is it!!

2dpiui

Is it really only 2 days? Ugh these two weeks are gonna drag! At least we know once I'm outta work today it'll be Tuesday fast because that's how the weekend goes.

I'm still really bloated. I went a got a pair of jeans and work pants that are a size bigger, I figured either ill be doing IUI month after month for awhile so ill be bloated or ill be pregnant. They are still snug. Guess I should have tried them on. I've started testing out the trigger. Can I just say its extremely weird seeing a positive test, even a fake one!

I hope everyone else is doing well! Thank you guys so much for keeping me positive. This is hard an I couldn't so it without your daily encouragement.

1dpiui

I feel like my body lied to me. I woke up this morning feeling south better. I was still bloated but the pain was gone, I could tell I had ovulated for sure.  I just felt better but not 100%. However as the day has wore on the bloat has gotten bad. All I've had is water and its not helping. I'm really hurting. Is this normal?

I've never prayed so hard in my life. God please let this work!!

I'm trying to stay busy. Work is crazy and I have a wedding shower tonight.

IUI

IUI is done!

38 million prewash which is wayyy better then the SA. 13 million post!! The nurse said that's awesome! I'm really excited and hopefully. Well see in two weeks.

Something funny we are sitting at lunch talking about my brother and my mom was like you just him to what you want now so you don't have to keep the secret you can't keep secrets. All the while I just had an IUI and didn't tell them. I couldn't help but giggle inside.

Cd13

I'm so ready to have the IUI!!! I'm so sick of being bloated and consapated. I'm just in pain. I really don't know how any of yall do IVF and get more then 20 eggs. I took something to help with the bathroom stuff and I think it's finally starting to kick in and it's helping. This morning I felt like I was going to throw up but I think that's starting to pass as well. I am really tired thought. Maybe from tossing and turning the last few nights. I was suppose to go to a weddig shower tonight but it it canceled due to snow. I'm so happy.

I just really hope this works! I don't know how many times I can do this to by body. Did I add that my fat pants are snug today. They were loose at the start of this cycle.

Trigger drama

That hurt so bad!!!

I tried to be brave and do it myself and I stuck myself but just enough to make me bleed and not get the needle in. UGH it was just a prick so I had hubby come over and he sticks it in and it wasn't bad at all and then before pushing the med in he drops the needle. DROPS THE NEEDLE! Then I start really bleeding. We change the needle and i tell him just do it and get it over with. Keep in mind I'm pinching further over this time so it's not where i'm bleeding and door knob sticks right where I'm bleeding. I was  freaking out cause it hurt like ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. He can't push the meds in so I do that and pull it out and it's just bleeding everywhere. Really bleeding, so hubby nicely cleans it up and puts a bandaid on it. It hurts so bad and I'm sure I'm gonna bruise. I asked why he stuck the place that was bleeding and he goes I figured itd go in easier cause there was already a hole there. WHAT? Then he says plus you didn't tell me not to. Sorry I figured whipping a new spot and moving the pinch over was a clue. It's all good thought cause it's over and I sure couldn't do it myself so ya know. Love that man!!

Bring on IUI!

Just to let everybody know how amazing my husband is even though he did drop the needle earlier tonight I caught him youtubing videos on how to give your wife a trigger shot and how the IUI works. It was so cute he really does care even though sometimes I think he tries to hide it. I love him so much, I couldn't do this without him.

Email from nurse

 Asked the nurse to email me the follicle sizes and she did. I was alittle off. Left 9, 17, 16, 19. Right 18, 23, 15.

I guess he only counts the mature as the 18 and over but don't y'all think the other three will catch up by wed? It'll be more then 48 hrs from US to IUI? 6 wow that'd be crazy. No wonder I'm so sore and bloated!! I'm really excited!!!

Cd12 U/S

3 mature follicles!!! If I remember right (they are going to email me the numbers) was 21 and 24 on the right. Also a 14 that might catch up. Then a 17 on the left. Crazy since my left sides been hurting the most. I also had 8-10 each on both sides under 10. Lining was 8. That's good right?

Trigger tonight and IUI Wednesday! I'm so ready!!! Please work!!

Waiting on my blood work for the 100% go ahead. Won't hear back till 4ish though.


~~~Edit~~~

Bloodwork is perfect and were set for Wednesday!!!

Cd11

I'm haning in there. I'm still emotional but so so much better. My ovaries are starting to feel sore. I'm hopping that will mean good numbers tomorrow. My US is at 730 tomorrow morning. I'm so bloated and I feel like I have to pee every 40 minutes. I pee a lot as is but I feel like I'm so bloated and sore that everything is just swollen and killin my bladder. Is this normal?

I'm really hopping for 4 mature eggs tomorrow. I know some may think that's a lot but with very low morphology level and how bad the sperm count in general was on the SA that means post wash would only be 1.3million which is barely enough to do IUI. I'm just ready to know. All this waiting sucks!! Please God with everything I have in me please let this work! PLEASE!!

Balance

I'm not sure if its healthy to consider your self balanced by having just as much hope as fear. Somedays it makes me feel bipolar.

 I have an angel of hope on one shoulder saying this has worked first shot for other people so its going to work for you. Maybe you'll be the lucky one that gets twins. I find myself dreaming of what cute maternity dress ill get to wear to my brothers wedding in July. E even going so far as looking some up online.

On the other shoulder is a scared bitter angry devil telling me it will never work and I should just start getting use to the idea of living child free. This thought makes me sad and then there are days where I think maybe I'd be ok with that. Doing what I wanted when I wanted. Traveling with the hubby. These thoughts make me wonder am I losing the fight at 26? Then I think of the room of baby stuff I have and know I can't gcw it away and I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Is is healthy to have such extreme thoughts everyday?

I guess this shows how scared I am. I'm scared I put my body thru the ringer and I won't get anything for it. I'm scared ill get pregnant and lose another baby. I'm scared I won't ever be able to enjoy bein pregnant if I ever get there. Or even worse I fear ill be too overjoyed after the fight we've had. Could I become that annoying and insensitive pregnant women? I hope not. Then again how unfair is it that because of this battle ill never be able to post pics of my belly and be happy with out thinkin of the pain that picture might be causing someone else.

Clearly I'm losing it so ill stop.

On a side note my headache is pretty dull today so I think I'm on the men's. I already talked to the doctor and if this cycle fails then ill be on femara next month. Man I hope there's no next month.

Never again

I am writing this post I remind myself I will never do clomid again. It doesn't matter that it could give me for eggs or a higher chance of twins. I have the worst headache ever. I've cried more than once at work. I can not so this. Why am I doin this to myself? I know a baby will be all worth it in the end but right now the end is very far away and this tunnel is super dark.

Half of me feels like this is going to work and the over other half feels like I'm never going to get a baby. Please someone just kill me now! My head is king to kill me and it won't matter. Oh my word.

Sorry for the ranty post.

Results

The doctor just called and I was a little taken a back that it was him as I've heard if he calls it was bad news. I thought oh no my tests were bad. Nope normal. Then he said he gotta hubbys SA came back. Morphology 2%!!!!!!! We are a go for IUI!! The bad news is his count came back 9.8million. Last year it was 48million so he thinks it was a bad sample since hubby didn't want to do it that day and was at the end of this overtime. They check the day of IUI as most know so we'll know for sure if it was a fluke or not. It he does have a low count now then well go see a urologist.

Oh I asked about the headaches and he said we won't do clomid again if this doesn't work.

I'm pretty freakin happy thought!!!!!!

Thoughts? Can his count really drop 40 million like that?

Here we go

CD1 I have never been so happy to see that red witch EVER! I start clomid Saturday and my US is Feb 11th. Hubbys SA is tomorrow and hopefully well know next Friday what the number is if not it should be in by my US. I'm really hopeful that hubbys number will rock and we can do this thing. This will be the first clean SA he's ever had so thats why I think he'll pass (at least for IUI).

I'm so excited and scared and I'm just ready to do this. I am really really hopeful and yet I know we may have to do several rounds of IUI. At least now that we aren't using donor (I hope) we can afford 4-6 rounds of IUI. Please give us a baby!!!

Also hubby had an interview today for a really AWESOME job so I'm praying he gets it!!!

Alright people bring on the crazy clomid monster!! Just remind

CD5 of IUI

I thought about putting IUI#1 but I'm not putting that negativity out there. I'm trying to stay really positive. Thats hard to do with clomid running thru my vains. I've had a few emotional moments but being in a new department at work and really really busy is helping a lot.

I'm taking the clomid at night and I think that helps a lot. I've only had one major headache, and a dull one today. If thats all I have then I think I'll be ok. This is just so hard. I want it to work so badly and it stings so badly when you log on fac.ebook and see a 21 year old pregnant with baby #2. I'll make it thru and I'll get my baby.  I am strong enough and I can do this!!

I'm just trying to focus on Friday and hopefully getting good SA results and Monday for a lots of eggs, just not to many.