Long Weekend

Well were back from Gainsville! We had a blast, it didn't end super well but thats ok.

I thought I would be getting away for a couple days to relax and hang out and chill. The thing is I forgot you can't take a break from infertility. It finds you where ever you go. It's all I could think about I'll be honest. I just wanted to have lots of sex and think about babies and read blogs and emails and just be in a me me me, babies babies babies bubble. It's hard because I know that DH doesn't understand.

It was a very short trip and like I posted Saturday I got a text about my friend loosing her baby and then Sunday a good friend, actually my maid of honor in our wedding announced she was pregnant. She got married in Oct. It's so hard, why was I so happy for one friend and the other I want to punch. I mean I know why, one tried for two years and the other wasn't trying. I know why but it's still hard. This thought made me wonder, when I'm walking down the street and I see a pregnant women if I tell myself they tried for years for that baby will that make me want to NOT trip her while she walks by? Then it hit me only 3-5% of women suffer from infertility which is only 1 in 20 at most and so I don't know if I can lie to myself. Darn it!

On the tcc note, i guess I'm on cd19. I think I may have OVed on cd 17, or 18 but I have no clue. I never got a +opk, my bbs were pretty big Friday but didn't hurt in the least till Saturday and even now they don't hurt to touch or lay on which isn't like me post ovulation so I don't know. When can I test then? Do I just go with ten days past the last soy pill I took and then count 14 days after that? I don't know!!

My heart is broken

One of the girls I've become really close to on the blogs text me tonight and said she was bleeding. She was 11 weeks and tried two long years for this baby. Was on an extra round of clomid past what they normally do. She just got her beta back and it's 4500. Way to low for 11 weeks. We all know what the doctor will read from the u/s. She's losing the baby and it just hurts my heart.

We all know how easy it is to get close to each other and to be friends on facebook and to talk everyday and to go thru this with her for two years and then to be so happy and then it's like just ripped away so close to the "safe zone" and it's just crappy! I hate it!

On top of feeling horrible for her it just brings back all those bad memories of my lost. Then you think man how can I think about getting pregnant and being happy then think you can get all the way to 11 weeks and still be crushed. I want to be pregnant more than anything and it just makes me think if I finally get my baby and I finally get pregnant how am I ever going to be chill or calm at all. It's like man A)pregnancy isn't the goal, bring home a healthy baby is and B)getting pregnant is SO HARD for us and it's only half that battle.

I hate this, I was having a very chill, relaxing weekend away and BAM infertility and loss still finds you. I just don't know how to handle all these emotions. I just want to cry!

OH MY WORD!!!

I called the RE two days ago to see if my blood work was in and they didn't have it so I called the lab to fax it and then yesterday I forgot to call. Well I remember today and she called back and said thats weird I have a ton of lab work for you not just your SED rate. I said oh they must have you send you my thyroid stuff too cause I had it all done at once and she said yeah thats what I have.

My sed rate was 3 normal is 0-20 mine was 30 last time. That means it was just due to my cyst last month.

Then I was like so you wanna give me my thyroid levels and she said sure. T3 and T4 normal, they always are.

TSH (this has been off for over two years and our main problem getting pregnant) One normal is .45 - 4.5 but they like it under 2 if your trying to get pregnant. Last time mine was .173 and they said it wasn't normal but had come up so much from where it was that I was oked to start trying again. I didn't fully believe that I could get pregnant with it still off but we started clomid anyway. Well Today it's .63!!!! NORMAL for the first time in over 2 years!!! I could cry!!! Last time I got pregnant it was .55 so I'm feeling really good about this!!!

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to wait and see what the endo says on Tuesday however, I know my body and I know my blood work and have been dealing with this a long time so this is awesome.

Hey maybe it's why my bbs don't hurt!

FRIDAY!!!

I am so glad it's Friday!!!! I have not had a weekend off in what almost a year and this weekend I'm off!!!!! I'm so excited! We are hittin the road and heading up to Gainville (about 2 1/2, 3 hours north) I wish DH and I were spending the weekend alone but were going to see DH's best friend. I guess I'll take anything to destress DH!!!

I finally got him to BD this morning. Although of course I think I might have OVed yesterday. I never got a +opk but my bbs are swollen this afternoon. They don't hurt like they normally do 1dpo so well see. I'll keep watching my temp and see what happens.

I still haven't gotten my math test back yet. GRRR However I got my taxes done!!!!!!!!! To bad all I get with it is a deep freezer. BOO! The rest is moving money so I won't complain cause I can't wait to get the heck outta Florida!!!

The ups and downs

Still no positive opk. My bbs aren't hurting which always happens the day after I OV so I guess it hasn't happened yet. Annoying since its cd 16 but I guess thats what happens when you take soy isoflavones 5-9. If nothing this cycle I for sure won't take it so late next cycle.

DH is driving me up a wall. He is extra cranky and tired...ie doesn't want to BD and since I don't think I've OVed yet means we need to get on it. Man of man what's a girl to do?!

I'm trying very hard to stay positive and to be happy for all those that are pregnant and that our being able to do IVF and all that. It's very hard.

It's just one of those days were I can't wait to move. I hope and pray that things are better once we do. I feel like school and being busy and stress and to much family close by is getting to us and our marriage and I hate it. I just need some relief on the stress bubble were living in. I know that isn't helpful to get pregnant. It makes me question if we should be trying, but then I remind myself it was just a bad night and tomorrow is a brand new day!

My mind runs wild somedays.

I woke up super early (4 hours after going to sleep) and I felt like I had boulders in my OV. YAY and bummer at the same time. I started thinking we know that I am ovulating and because it hurts so bad I'm hoping they are good size but then I think they've never done an u/s so what if thats the problem. Then I start thinking well what if DH sperm just don't wanna get the job done, then I remind myself no they tested that and he was ok. Then I start thinking what if my eggs just have the tightest, thickest wall around it and won't let DH sperm in. Then my brain starts trippin going why won't you let the sperm in, I just want the sperm in. Why do we play such cruel jokes/mess with our head so much? I then of course couldn't go back to sleep. Oh the joys of TTC.

The opk was light yesterday and nothing today. I'm confused! I don't have any of my normal I just ovulated signs so I don't think it was the falling surge. We'll see what tomorrow brings. See this is why I hate opks.

My day was pretty uneventful just alot of studying and trying to relax. Now I'm off to bed before more bloodwork tomorrow. JOY! Then my first test since going back to school and work.

Good day

Today was a great day.

I started off by paying off my car! YAY!! Its mine. I own it! Dh and I are super excited. This put us one step closer to moving and getting better jobs, which is needed to move on to IUI!

Then i droped off $100 worth of free food, yes free I coupon, to the food bank. My good deed of the week.

Work was ok, school was good. Did well on my review (hope i nail the test wed). Lots of bding, im kinda sore. Started opk. Line is getting darker so havent oved yet. Im think it wont happen till cd 15 or 16 but i guess thats ok if it means ive got good eggs. Im startin to feel it so thats making me hopeful as welll.

Tomorrow im off so im going to relax, study, maybe clean and just have some alone time to chill while DH is at school.

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What God meant

I'm stealing this from creatingourmiracle because it's perfect and how I feel. I want to add for me personally infertility has brought me so many friend that I may or may not ever meet but I feel closer with them then some of the people I know in my day to day life and I love them so much.

What God Meant
Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

To poas or not...

That is the question. My debating with myself if i should use opk this month. Will it help me know whats going on since its my first month using soy isoflavones or will it just make me crazy? Ahhhh i hate this.

Fyi i still have 18 sticks left.

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Good day!

Today has been a good day. Im off work. Ive got to love up on DH and spend some good time with him.

I got a great (my best yet) haul on shopping today. My total was $80 and i spent $19. If you dont count the hamburger meat i got then i only spent $13. I didnt notice how good my stash was getting till i went thru it all and organized it all. I love it. Seeing what i have shows me i can be more picky ie save even more. Im turning into that crazy coupon lady and i Love it!! Its like a high!

CD11 and im feelin good! My ov's feel huge so im hopping thats a good thing.

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Some days it's one minute at a time!

Well I've made it to cd10. Finished my meds. Man they started giving me a headach the last couple days but I made it thru.

Somebody else today told me they were pregnant. First shot after her m/c that was also a first shot pregnancy. So annoying. I'm happy for them but I'm sad for me and nobody understands. This is the 3rd person in the past two weeks that have told me they were pregnant. I did just fine with the first 2 but this one killed me. I don't know what triggered the tears and emotions with this one. Maybe timing in my cycle. I just want to curl up and cry and just be alone. I hate feeling this way.

I just want to be ok and be happy. I just don't know how to let go and let God and not thinking about babies and not hurt. I keep telling myself that I should get a gym membership and get back to working out. I know that would make me feel better. Yet everyday I don't get up early enough to go before school or work. I tell myself I'd rater be well rested and fat (I'm not really overweight just riding that line between normal and overweight) then tired and thin. I can say A) I watch to much TV and therefore I stay up to late to get up and work out and B) I need 10 hours of sleep to function, always have, always will. Man I just need somebody to kick my butt, I need a buddy and I can't find one.

I do want to take the time and say thank you to everybody that commented, it means the world to me and shows me I'm not alone. I don't have anybody in my day to day life that understands that it's been three years and nothing and yes I'm only 24 and people say I have time but we all know that might not be the case. Does anybody know how to make it email me when I get a comment? I miss all ya'lls till I logged on today and saw it.

To answer the question about Soy Isoflavones. It's the natural version of clomid, taken the same way (5 days). It doesn't have as many side affects as clomid and it doesn't dry out your cm like clomid either. However you are on your own taking it so that is a down fall but since we don't have insurance I'm ok with taking it for a few months until we move.

I feel better already just writing this!

Feeling Better

I have had my emotional fit when AF showed up and my doubt as to weather were making the right choices in life and blah blah blah but now I'm on to cd6 were AF is gone and I'm feel much more like my I can handle anything life throws at me self.

I went ahead and decided to take the soy isoflavones. I started last night so I guess I'll be taking it 5-9. If it doesn't  work this cycle then I'll try 3-7 next month. I'm not crazy about 5-9 but I didn't hear about it until I was already on cd5 so I guess I have no choice. I'm hopefully it will work. I read alot of success stories so that brightened my day.

I'm trying to be more positive and hopeful. I'm working on letting go more and letting God plan our life. If we get pregnant AWESOME if not it will happen and I'll just continue telling myself that until it does.

Doing some real soul searching

I was watching Suzie Orman talk to the octomom before I left for work today, and I didn't get to finish it but it really made me think and wonder if were doing the right thing trying to start a family right now.

We don't have credit card debit, but we do have a couple medical bills and an old apt in collections. We have ALOT of student loan debit and nothing to show for it as of yet. We only have one car although we are months (3) from paying it off. After watching her talking about making it isn't living pay check to pay check making it is not being in debit and that if you can't afford you how do you spend money on having a baby, or bring another person into the picture.

It really makes me think. Are we doing the right thing by trying. I mean we don't have a child and is there a reason for that? Does God know something we don't?

It pains me to think about waiting a year, I know I'll only be 26 then but it really freaks me out each year we go along with no baby that maybe we won't get one. My mom didn't have babies past the age of 28 and that freaks me out.

As you can tell I've got a lot on my mind and battling with what I want and what is best. I mean we've already said we aren't preventing but after three years I don't see it happening without help and we said we won't go back to the doctor till Sep. What's a few more months past that? Man now I have a pit in my stomach. I just don't know!

Results

The doctor called and said that I had a rather lager cyst but it had already burst so I should start feeling better (which I already have). I have to get a repeat sono in March to make sure they've all gone away as well as redo my Sed rate (bloodwork) next week.

She doesn't want us to do any drugs until after my next sono which I guess makes me feel a little better even though we had already decided to stop due to money. It just makes me sad no matter why the reason. I'm trying to focus on school and work and keep myself busy so as to not think about it but it's still hard.

School is going well so far. Looking forward to a homework filled weekend. Fun...NOT! lol

I'm just ready for this summer and DH to graduate and lordwilling get a good job so that we can move and be much more stable and be able to get back to seeing the RE and do IUI. Hey maybe we'll get lucky and taking breather will be just the ticket. Well if I can chill out for a bit.

ahhh

Af started today right on time. Some have asked if i could have pcos. For this reason that i didnt take clomid and still had a normal 28 cycle and i have had cysts in awhile so.

Still waiting on the doctor to call with my US results. Hoping to hear something by friday.

Two friends told me they were pregnant this week. I think i handled it well. No crying or being upset. Just happy for them.

Sad were done trying with a doctor and drugs for while. We only have about 3% chance on our own. DH plan we just need more sex. Classic man. Lol Im trying to be ok with it because i know we just cant do it without chris having a job and no insurance. Its going to take some getting use to. Hopefully ill be able to free my mind of baby thoughts. Easier said than done.

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To much on my mind

I still have no word from the doctor. Im feeling much better today than yesterday so thats something.

I spent all night last night have crazy pregnancy dreams and adoption dreams.

DH and i had a fight about money today. Looks like IUI is off. Makes me sad. Its pretty much saying were done trying till he get a job and graduates sometime after June. He did say that but i know thats what it means. He doesnt pay the bills and i feel he lives in a dream world about how much we make and how much we pay in bills. He said hell take over the bills...well see how long that lasts. I asked for the budget when i come home from work, should be intersting to see.

School started today so thats something good at least.

Im pretty sure AF is on its way which makes me sad. Im trying to stay hopeful as in it aint over till that ugly lady shows her face but i still feel really down. Im just trying not to cry. This day sucks.

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Waiting in pain

Around the 28th I started to have some pain in my ovary. I took this as OV pain and said great, I'm OVing and I didn't take clomid or anything this month. The next few days it was still there and I started to wonder is this a bad thing, is this a sign of pregnancy that I forgot. Well Monday (the 3rd) rolled around and it was still there on and off and felt to be getting worse, then toward the end of the end it was so sharp I could hardly walk. I called my mom and she asked if I was sure it wasn't from the metforin that I had started at the beginning of my cycle. I told her I didn't think so but I would call the nurse anyways. Tuesday (4th) I call the nurse and asks if I take the meds with alot of carbs, I don't. She spoke with the doctor who though maybe it was a cyst, she told me to take some pain meds and call her with an update the next day.

By Wen (5th) the pain was getting worse and was now running up my back. GREAT! They told me I needed to come in but the doctor was out on Thursday so I made my apt for Friday (7th). I went in and they tested my urine to check for a kidney infection and well as pregnancy even thought I was only 9dpo. Both came back NEG. They did a pelvic (the worst I've ever had) and did blood work. She said I had a lot of tenderness in my lower back and left lower side and that I needed an U/S. Because we don't have insurance they told me it was half the price to get it done out of office, meaning I can't get it done until Tuesday.

They went ahead and gave me med for a kidney infection just in case. I have been debating as to weather I feel better or not. I am feeling better maybe from 20% Friday to 45% yesterday to 60% today but I'm still having pain and I still feel totally off.

I'm praying it's nothing to bad and that it's easily fixable. I really don't want this to ruin my next cycle and doing clomid one last time. I try every month to be hopeful and trust in God that he has a plan and that we'll get our baby but every month I see AF and my hope just melts away and I have to remind myself that God did not make me this way to never give me a baby, it just isn't our time yet.

We'll see what tomorrow and Tuesday holds.