Sunday, January 30, 2011

My heart is broken

One of the girls I've become really close to on the blogs text me tonight and said she was bleeding. She was 11 weeks and tried two long years for this baby. Was on an extra round of clomid past what they normally do. She just got her beta back and it's 4500. Way to low for 11 weeks. We all know what the doctor will read from the u/s. She's losing the baby and it just hurts my heart.

We all know how easy it is to get close to each other and to be friends on facebook and to talk everyday and to go thru this with her for two years and then to be so happy and then it's like just ripped away so close to the "safe zone" and it's just crappy! I hate it!

On top of feeling horrible for her it just brings back all those bad memories of my lost. Then you think man how can I think about getting pregnant and being happy then think you can get all the way to 11 weeks and still be crushed. I want to be pregnant more than anything and it just makes me think if I finally get my baby and I finally get pregnant how am I ever going to be chill or calm at all. It's like man A)pregnancy isn't the goal, bring home a healthy baby is and B)getting pregnant is SO HARD for us and it's only half that battle.

I hate this, I was having a very chill, relaxing weekend away and BAM infertility and loss still finds you. I just don't know how to handle all these emotions. I just want to cry!

8 comments:

  1. May be you should cry, to make you feel better. I had my outburst last night, will tell you more on my blog a bit later. I too wonder sometimes what will happen after I get preg, it is only half the battle won. As a lot of preg infertile woman write on their blogs, IF is always with you and so are the fears and insecurities.

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  2. I'm so sorry--it's funny how someone else's grief can affect us so much. Go ahead and cry--you're allowed to also.

    -Elphaba

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  3. Well then, cry! I have learned this week that crying can be better than sex! Do it.

    Thank you for your kind words on my blog this week. Losing my friend has been incredibly difficult, and will continue to be this way, but having the support of you and everyone out here makes it so much easier.
    AP

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  4. (hugs) I am very sorry for your friend and this has brought back pain and memories of your own loss.

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  5. Oh no! I am so sorry. I agree with everyone else. Just let it out.

    (and I wanted to thank you, too, for your support. I gave you an award on my blog.)

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  6. Um, you are so not a loser. I do the same thing...or maybe we are both losers... :)

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  7. Yep. It is so nice not to feel alone..and talk to people who actually understand. We can try to explain but it just isn't the same.

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  8. Yes, IF is only half the battle! One day at a time, is how I seem to survive I think. So sorry for your friend. That far along is harsh. I lost my 2 early on and before seeing them on a scan.

    It's worth it, otherwise we wouldn't still all be fighting.

    Thanks for your support on my blog....

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